Ughh!

I feel kind of crappy. Physically, mentally, the whole bit. I overate again today and didn't do as much exercise as I had intended. I also feel super tired. I've slept a ton in the last 2 days, and I think I'm going back to bed after only having been up for 13 hours. My throat also feels a little scratchy, but I am going to do a whole lot of focusing on not getting sick because Kristin will be here in less than 14 hours, and I want to be in top shape when she gets here. Yay!

Off the wagon

I feel like I've fallen off the wagon a little bit. I'm still not smoking, but I'm not going to the gym, or exercising in general, as much as I'd like to. I also fell off the diet wagon in the last couple days. My sleep schedule is still all out of whack, and I'm not especially being motivated to do any of the work I should be doing. March may bring some new resolutions to get myself back on track.

The Pickle Did It!

It got more fans on Facebook than Nickelback. Isn't that exciting?

I missed my daily blog yesterday because I went out and got home too late. I should know better. I should before I go out, or it's not going to happen. The short version, I went out with the 19 and 20 year olds in my dorm again. Stayed up too late but still made it to class. I'm starting to accept the whole "reliving my college years" thing and am really getting good at it.

I feel like I had things I wanted to write about, but I'm not actually in the mood right now. I know there was definitely something about being an American abroad and loving people, but I feel too tired to really go into it. Maybe sometime soon.

It blows my mind.

You know, this sounds obvious, but it's really easy to forget. We are all so incredibly different. My vision of the world is not the same as anyone else's. I see things with my own blinders and judgments and prejudices shaped by previous experiences. Yet, it's easy to assume that everyone else thinks like I do. Throw in cultural differences, and it's almost a miracle anyone survives abroad. It blows my mind. That being said, I thrive on this kind of exchange because what better way to grow than to see a different perspective.

We had a lecture about leadership today from an American that was all full of ideas about creating a vision, bringing people with you, sending out energy from your heart and mind, and other hippy ideas, and of course, I got all inspired again. Even more so, I was talking with him after about what he did and if there were an international training branch, and he said he knew some people that did some organizational development kind of training in France and to send him an e-mail. Holy crap! Can you imagine if that worked out? It would be everything I wanted!!! Working in companies (the business aspect that I like), helping people achieve their goals and become happier human beings (which I also really want to do), and doing it in France (have I mentioned lately I want to stay here?).

I'm giddy...

over a pair of shoes!!! And I haven't even seen them in person yet! I ordered a pair of flat boots online. I spent more money than I maybe should have considering my lack of employment, but I fell in love with them right away. They were initially nearly 200 bucks, and I was trying to figure out how I could justify buying something that expensive but just couldn't. I kept looking at other boots on the same website, but when looking at another website, I found the ones I wanted on sale for $100. I also got a pair of wedges. Kristin is bringing them to me, but I shipped them to Annette who has verified that they are indeed awesome purchases. If they don't fit, I'm pretty sure I'll cry...or cut off my toes. I don't really need them, do I?

I think the fact that I can't find women's shoes in my size here fueled this whole episode. It's a weird feeling. I mean, I want to stay here, but if I do, I'll only be able to buy shoes when I visit home or when a friend comes here. Or I suppose if I go to Germany or England, but that seems like a long way to go.

I had a very nice day. I had lunch with my friend Michelle, then went for a very long walk, went to the gym, and came home and sent a bunch of e-mail. Still no schoolwork, per se. I'm afraid this is going to bite me in the ass soon. Oh well, I'm enjoying it for now.

I'm about to start counting the hours until Kristin gets here...

I have a sleeping problem

It's amazing what not having a regular schedule can do to mess up your sleep habits. Throw in a couple late nights here and there, and the next thing you know, you're never in bed or up early. I actually want to go to the gym tomorrow morning, so I'm going to try to make this quick.

First, I don't think I talked nearly enough about how much fun I had this weekend. Really, it was great. Saturday night, there were 13 people at the dinner party I went to, and everyone seemed so nice. I love French dinner parties. And 10 of the people were couples, so it was nice to see all of that love going on too. Plus, there was one British guy who was hysterical. I wheezed and kicked my feet and stuff in a way that I don't think I have since I was home at Christmas. The last time I remember laughing that hard was when Jesse did his dog show prance impression. You had to be there.

I had an interesting tournée de rue this evening (my volunteer work). We first talked to an older man who was very honest about having problems with alcohol and was very nice and gave us part of some mini pastries someone had given him (as a side note, I don't eat NEARLY enough French pastries). Then we saw a group of young people who were drinking beer and ready to come to the aid of a dog who they deemed to be neglected by its owner. Then we met a Lithuanian artist who painted and did tattoos. He had spent the last 2 years traveling around Europe and seemed to like France. Neither his English nor his French was that great, so some things weren't 100% clear.

Afterward, we spent time with a younger guy that is always in the same place. He is "contre" as they say in French. He just seems against everything. Apparently, he isn't always so negative, but the last few times I've seen him, that has been the case. He has quite the set up- mattress, blankets, food, clothes, iPod, he reads, has his own sugar for his tea. He seems like an interesting character. I would guess he's in his mid-20's. I don't think he drinks, but he smokes a lot of pot. He's mad at French society and how driven it is by money, but when I proposed he go live on a commune of some sort, he didn't like that idea so much. He said he'd be isolated from everyone else and would only find ugly, fat, hairy women and sheep to have sex with. Ok.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Crap! I meant to pamper myself this Valentine's Day, but unfortunately, my OCD had other plans. I spent WAY too many hours looking at shoes online, but I may have finally found a pair of flat boots. I'll keep you posted. Other than that, I did go for a walk and wrote myself a love letter. That was kind of fun. Really, instead of pampering myself, my day was all about doing all the things you can do more easily while single. I spent hours on the computer. I cut my toe nails. I didn't shower. I pretty much just stayed in my pajamas. I wore ugly underwear. I didn't actually "cook" anything today. I wish I had been a little gassy, just to get the 100% full experience of enjoying my bachelorette lifestyle.

Oh, I talked to my mom on Skype today too. That was pretty exciting. There was a 5 second delay, but other than that, it was great. She carried the computer to the kitchen with her at one point. It was almost like being home.

Lovely Day Part 2

Yet another lovely day. I have been an expert in spending an enjoyable day doing a whole lot of nothing lately. I slept in, played on the computer, went to the store, went for a walk, and then had dinner at my friend Michelle's house for her partner's birthday. I went a little crazy on chocolate and sugar today...oops, that diet was going so well...but other than that, thus far, it has been a fantastic weekend- the kind that reminds me why I moved to France in the first place. Hooray!

Lovely Day

While my paper writing and job hunting are not exactly moving forward, everything else today was lovely. I slept in, ate breakfast, took a long shower, ate lunch, and then went and met a friend for coffee. It was a girl who was a student in one of my English classes in Lannion, and she came to the English hour every week. We're friends on Facebook, but I hadn't seen her since I left Lannion nearly 6 years ago. I really, really enjoyed seeing her and talking to her. She talked about her experiences with couch surfing and her desire to go abroad and do humanitarian work. What a lovely way to spend a couple hours!

I came home, ate, and then went to a Salsa dance thing. I made a small error in wearing pointy-toed, high heel boots (it felt like a huge error when I was walking home and wasn't sure I was going to make it, but now that they've been off for an hour, it doesn't seem quite as bad), but other than that, I had a great time. I went to see one of the girls in my dorm perform. She has continued taking the Salsa class I stopped going to in October. It's amazing the progress everyone has made. I still suck at Salsa. I love to dance, but I just can't find the rhythm with that one.

Anyway, because I went by myself and she was often off dancing, people actually asked me to dance while I was standing around alone. I danced with 6 different men. Most didn't ask for a second dance thanks to my poor Salsa skills, but I still was flattered that they'd ask in the first place and had an awesome time. Actually, an older Portuguese man who didn't really speak French danced with me lots and tried to get me to go to the after party, but I declined. I also talked quite a bit to a lady who may have been somewhat intoxicated and was dancing by herself however she wanted to, which naturally drew me to her. We actually managed to have quite the heart to heart. God, I love talking to strangers! I think I may have talked her into having a little more hope for humanity. Man, it's true...sometimes just BEING is enough.

Self-Proclaimed Snow Day

I woke up to snow on the ground this morning, decided to proclaim it a snow day, and went back to bed. My French teacher lives outside of the city, and only one bus in the whole city was circulating at that point, so I think it was a safe bet that the roads weren't good and she didn't make it either. There's still snow on the ground in some places.

I mostly didn't leave the house other than to go to the gym. I'm enjoying exercising a little more again, but the classes at the gym are no boot camp. It's easier, and the lady is nice enough but not especially motivational. Furthermore, in the month I've been going, it has been the same class every time. I wonder if it ever changes. I actually forced myself to use the elliptical machine the other day. I can't say I enjoyed it, but it got my heart rate up and made me sweat without making my knee hurt, so I may have to make friends with it.

Kristin will be here really soon, and I am EXCITED! I've already started planning some stuff. There is a fair amount of eating and drinking involved, and I'm sure there will be some generally good times. I mean, Kristin will be here! Buttercup!!!! Soodie gets here in exactly 2 months. Also very exciting. And, there is rumor that Annette might make it eventually. Good stuff.

Ah Ha Moment

I just had an ah ha moment. I just realized that I am a success story. Let me explain.

As those who know me well are probably aware, my weight is probably the thing that I'm most sensitive about. It's the thing I obsess over the most (though the obsession list is not limited to that), and one of the factors that can most influence my mood. I have the "Fat Kid Syndrome," and as much weight as I've lost (and gained and lost), I've still considered myself a failure because I'm not at my goal weight.

I've told myself that I've done better than the 80% of people who have lost weight. I've told myself that I should be proud to have maintained at least a 65-70 pound weight loss through all my ups and downs. I've told myself that even the Biggest Loser competitors have gained weight back, and they had all kinds of professional resources. But all the things I've told myself have, in my mind, been like consolation for a loser. It was just a way to try to comfort myself over my failure, like saying, "At least I didn't come in last place."

Then today I was writing an e-mail about how I used to be inspired by the Richard Simmons infomercials and how those people had the guts to finally say enough is enough and do something. I suddenly realized that I WAS one of those people. It should have been clear before, but it just wasn't. I may not be at my goal weight. I may have gone up and down, but I have never stopped fighting. I have made real and lasting changes. I will never again be the girl who eats fast food almost every day. I will never again be the girl who doesn't make an effort to move on a regular basis. I will never again have a hard time fitting into an airplane seat. I may not win every battle, but I will win the war. When I fall, I will get back up again. I AM a success story. Thank God. One less thing to worry about.

I really liked some of the weight loss success stories I read today. I've included the link for one of them. One of parts I liked the most was the response to question 9.

http://caloriecount.about.com/power-within-oneself-b324938

I love Free Will Astrology!

I've talked about that briefly here, but I mean it. As I think I said, if nothing else, it always gives something to think about. The actual horoscope for this week was just ok, but it was a good reminder to not take things too seriously. What I found more amusing was the "spiritual dating ads" that I stumbled upon. Before I post them here, let me preface this by saying that I have been in a kind of hippy, love mood lately. I actually prefer being in those kinds of moods because they make me feel better than stressed and negative moods (which seems pretty obvious, doesn't it?). Some day, I think it's a real possibility that I'll end up carrying crystals and hugging strangers...some day sooner than we might think. In related news, I think that eventually, I really will have to work for women's rights. I was reading about mercy killings, and I just can't handle it. But I digress. Here are my two favorite ads from Free Will Astrology, the ones that speak to me the most right now:

MY EYES REMIND YOU WHERE YOU CAME FROM
Uncork me, angel. Unfurl me. Release me and restore me and unleash me. Not because I can't do it myself. Not because I'm just another narcissism-addict jonesing for a quick fix. On the contrary. I'm the most self-­sufficient self-starter I've ever met. It's from my position of strength that I aspire to whip up spectacular synergies in tandem with your holy rolling reverberations. So keep in mind that I'm here to uncork you and unfurl you and release you and restore you and unleash you, too. That's the art of the game that stretches out before us in all directions. That's the beauty of the gritty reality that's disguised as a glittery fantasy. As you bless my risks and massage my unconsciousness and save my soul, I'll always vice your versa. P.S. My last fortune cookie said, "You need nothing and want everything."
_________________________________________________

POLYAMOROUS MONOGAMY
You might say I'm catagoraphobic. I hate getting stuffed into pigeonholes. I run the other way when people try to tell me who I am. So don't try to figure me out. Just enjoy me. Or maybe I should say just enjoy us. There are so many different facets to my personality that monogamy with me will feel like a promiscuous feast to you. I'm a socialist libertarian and a pacifist warrior. I'm an atheistic lover of many gods, a streetwise thaumaturge with stuffed animals on my Qabalistic altar, and a humble megalomaniac who loves to perform missions of mercy. Always both and yet neither. And what about you? Just to let you know, I love architects who moonlight as smugglers of illegal flowers. I respect vegetarians who sneak pork chops now and then. I admire ex-druggies who get sober with the same fanaticism they once devoted to their addictions. Get the picture? My spirit thrives when nothing and no one are exactly what they seem. Here's the key to our happiness: As long as we give up our control fantasies, we'll always get what we want.

In more routine news, I had a good day today. I woke up to sunshine, went to class (which was boring but not painful), ate lunch, tutored English, had tea with a friend, got snowed on, went to a meeting for my volunteer work stuff, and did some homework. That's the kind of day I like! I have to say I am a little tired of the cold at this point, but I am super excited that the days are getting longer. We have 10 hours between sunrise and sunset as of tomorrow (visible light time is a little longer), which is worlds better than the 8 hours and 20 minutes we had in December. It makes a difference, it really does. We'll be over 10 1/2 hours by the time Kristin gets here in 12 days...that is a whole other incredibly exciting story that I'll save for tomorrow.

Things I like, things I don't

I went to the gym tonight. I liked that. I sometimes forget how good I feel after a good workout. It's amazing.

I did not make much progress on the résumé updating or just hunting or choosing a topic for my first paper. I don't like those things because I'm scared of them. Can someone please give me a swift kick in the pants and remind me to stop being a wuss and that I am 100 percent capable? I think I can. I think I can. I think I can...

I didn't have class today, which makes it even easier to not do much other than the gym and hang out some with my friends in the dorm. Like I said, I just need to get past the fear part and do it. It's never as scary as I think it's going to be. Ok, off to do some reading for class and get some sleep.

Valentine's Day Date

I'm planning a Valentine's Day date...with myself. Any ideas? I'm thinking about going to a Buddhist Center open house/meditation type thing because I've been wanting to get more into that. Otherwise, I was thinking about taking myself to a movie or renting one. Maybe going for a jog and hanging out with some friends. For dinner, I was thinking semi-healthy, semi-indulgent with smoked salmon and avocado or cheese on rye crackers, perhaps a pastry for dessert, but not a pound of chocolate. It may be Valentine's Day, but I'm about 10 pounds down from New Year's and don't want to ruin my diet :)

In a related note, I sure am over being single at this moment. It comes in waves. Sometimes I'm pretty much ok with it. Sometimes I'm not. Seriously, I am coming up on 4 years without a serious relationship. I'm just reminding myself to have faith in the Universe's master plan and all that. I do truly believe that all things in my life will be well. It's just having the patience part that can be a little tricky.

Hmmm

After a very late night last night, I'm still thinking about whether or not I should start acting my age or maybe I should say more generally responsibly. Does it really matter? I'm not sure.

Letters to myself

Last night I came across my first journal and started reading. It's funny to read what I wrote at 13, 14, 15. Some things have changed so much, and some things have stayed the same. My New Year's Resolutions at 15 are almost the same as those I made at 30. It's even funnier to see that at 19 I already knew I needed to make my own experiences, which indirectly means I knew it was up to me to make my own happiness. It may have taken me a while to get there, but I still think that's pretty advanced thinking for a 19 year old.

I got to Skype again today, this time with Jesse. He didn't breastfeed or change any diapers, though. I did get to watch him eat some key lime pie that looked delicious. Other than that, I went to the grocery store, cleaned my room, and went for a long walk. I'm supposed to go out in a little bit. Hooray!

Talking to Jesse I realized that I'm not an "adult" anymore. Part of me kind of misses it. I still found time to have fun, but I liked having a job and responsibilities and a regular schedule. Part of me thinks I should take full advantage of the fact that I don't have all that right now. How many people get to relive their youth?

Skyping is fun!

I just had my second Skype conversation and have dates to have more this weekend. What a nice way to stay in touch with people! I got to see Jessica's baby on webcam and watched Jessica breastfeed and change her diaper. Good times!

Today was a super lazy day, but Wednesday and Thursday were highly productive, so that's good. Lists do help me to get things done. Tomorrow should be good too. In the morning, one of the girls in the dorm is filming an interview with me for a school project on gay marriage. There will definitely be some grocery store action in my future and possibly a trip to the market if I'm feeling really ambitious.

One thing I've been thinking about lately is the uncertainty of my near future. I've been saying I want to stay here, but as it becomes time to look for a job, reality sets in, and things start to seem a little scary. Looking for a job in general is kind of stressful for me and doing it in French even more so. I know I just need to do it, but it makes me nervous. And if I don't find a job here, where do I go? I'm not in full-on panic mode, but it is something that has been on my mind. Time has flown by, and I'm down to less than 4 months before my degree is over. Wow.

I thought I had something interesting to say...

but I was mistaken.

I do want to express my love for Free Will Astrology. Even if you don't believe in astrology, his horoscopes usually give me something to think about. Here's this weeks:

Last week was the anniversary of my very first weekly horoscope column, which appeared years ago in the Good Times, a newspaper in Santa Cruz, California. My initial effort was crude and a bit reckless compared to what I eventually learned to create. And yet it was imbued with a primal fervor and heartfelt adventurousness that had a certain charm, and many people seemed to find it useful. Today I bow down to that early effort, honoring it for the seed it sprouted and thanking it for the blessings it led to. I encourage you to do something similar to what I just described, Scorpio: Pay homage to the origins that made it possible for you to be who you have become.

Happy Groundhog Day!

I hope everyone had a good one. As for me, I tutored English, sent some e-mails, took a brief nap, and went to an exercise class. Unfortunately, the lady who leads it is back to her Grover-like ways. When she says "encore" (which means "again" in French), it kind of comes out like Grover from Sesame Street à la "Near and Far." She let's out some generally strange noises that I don't especially enjoy.

That's about it. I have a lot of free time on my hands but not so much motivation to do stuff. I'm gonna start making lists again. That helped me before.

My Doppelganger...

...is, apparently, a Québécoise named Linda...or so says Pierre, a homeless man I've met a couple times. In his drunken state, I think he actually believed that I might be lying to him and that I really WAS Linda. He mentioned something about me causing him a lot of problems in Barcelona and told me that I played the accordion. Fascinating. I should have asked him if she looks like Tori Spelling.

Today flew by, though, as always, I didn't feel like I did much. I got up and went to class, but it was canceled, so I ran some errands, came home, ate lunch, took a nap (which was supposed to be an hour and turned into 2...I'm going to have to ban naps because I am incapable of taking short ones, and they further mess up my sleeping schedule), and then went to volunteer.

First, I want to talk about lunch because it was fantastic. I made a bowl of lentils flavored with chicken bouillon and then added a little avocado and crème fraîche (like sour cream only better). It was freaking delicious. I've still been craving sweets, but I am starting to enjoy this diet business. I want to make something with sweet potatoes. I love sweet potatoes. And my mom gave me some money so I can afford meat and fresh vegetables. I only bought tofu and an avocado for now, but I'm looking forward to spending it on something delicious.

So, I volunteer a couple times a month taking hot drinks (coffee, tea, soup) to the homeless, but that is only a pretext to talk to them. I wasn't sure if I liked it at first, but I'm really starting to enjoy it. There are the "regulars" that we all know, and they like to talk. It has been good for me. Before, I was the person that avoided eye contact, uncomfortable and embarrassed for not giving money. But what they complain about most is not people who don't give, but rather those that don't say hi or those that tell them to get a job. They have problems (that go beyond just getting a job), but they are still humans. I know that sounds really obvious, but somehow along the way, I kind of forgot that. And I suspect that I'm not the only one.