Final days in France

Well, without internet at home, I've let 2 months pass without writing a blog. I leave Rennes on Tuesday and France on the 15th. In the meantime, I'll be in Paris, Dreux, and Mons (Belgium). I think I'm finally ready to come home. I'll miss France, but the last 2 months have been off and on rough. No internet or TV at home, and all my classmates left. I also kind of quit hanging out with my new little group of friends from the beginning of the year. Some of it was me- I've not been wanting to drink like before, so I kind of quit calling as much. Part of it was them- I never get invited along anymore, and sometimes don't get return calls when I do call. Even my friend that I was closest with has kind of fallen off the map since she moved away from Rennes (in her defense, I think she's genuinely busy, but still). Honestly, it's been a little disappointing, but probably for the best, as it prepares me for the move back home.

In happier news, I met some nice people while I was doing my temp job. I spoke a ton of French for the 5 weeks I was there. I finally feel like it's close to a level where I want it to be. It was good before but not good enough for me. Anywho, I was saying...nice people from work...one woman is inviting me to lunch tomorrow, and I generally liked just about everyone in the company. It was a really good experience.

I also met a really nice 80 year-old man at the library here in Rennes a few weeks ago. We've hung out a lot. I feel bad because I know he often feels very lonely, and when I leave, he'll be alone again. Apparently, in the 2 years he's lived in his apartment, I'm the only one he's invited over for dinner. Being old and alone sucks!

I had a nice trip to Perpignan to visit my old host mother. It was soooo beautiful!!! Mountains with vineyards everywhere on one side and the Mediterranean on the other. Honestly? What more could you ask for. Her adopted grandfather took me all along the coast in his little RV. It was great!

Other than Pierre (the little old man), my friends Norma, Aba, and Michelle have been great recently. I want to focuse on the positive people and experiences more than the negative. It would be silly to focus more on what's gone wrong than what's gone right...in my opinion, anyway.

What else? I didn't get the job at HSBC, which was disappointing, but I guess the Universe has other plans. Like I said, I'll miss France and am a little sad to leave, but more and more I am incredibly happy to be coming home. Still no idea where I'll end up or what I'll be doing.

At this moment, I feel kind of icky...sick to my stomach, sore throat. Hopefully a good night's sleep will clear that up.

Ok, I'm rambling, so I'm out!

Thank God Summer's Here!

The weather was still cold and kind of crappy part of last week (not as bad as in Belgium, but I'll get back to that). This week, we've had highs in the 70s and 80s, which feels really warm to me now. The sun is shining and the sky is blue. We get 16 hours from sunrise to sunset and over 17 hours of visible light. It never ceases to amaze me! The days will start getting shorter and shorter, though, and by November/December, it's ridiculous! I'm enjoying it while it lasts.

I move out of my dorm room and into my friend's apartment on Wednesday. I'm pumped about having a real apartment, though I'll be without internet or TV, and most of my friends will have left by then, which is a little frightening. I'm sure I'll figure out something to do...maybe read or something crazy. As little stuff as I have, I'm still not looking forward to moving. I think I'm going to start renting furnished apartments and have the minimum amount of books and decorations. Or just leave everything but clothes every time I move. In the last 7 1/2 years, I have done at least mini-moves (like going to Port Aransas or France) that involved a certain amount of packing and unpacking 11 times. This will be the 12th. Basta!

That being said, I found out I'm moving on to the interview stage of the job at HSBC, though I don't know when yet. I couldn't be happier. This is the job for me. Even more than the one in Rennes. As for the regular moving part of the job, that's where the only taking clothes comes in or I'll have enough money to hire movers. I want this, but at the same time, I'm trying to accept what the Universe brings me. I'm not feeling especially patient again :)

I went to Mons, Belgium last week to visit a friend, her husband, and their 5 week old baby. It was fantastic! The weather was kind of crappy; I had to wear a sweater, a fleece pullover thing, and a cardigan...in June!!!! The high on Saturday was around 60 with rain and wind. I can't get my head around it. I love all three of them though. I've known Danielle for a long time. We studied French together at UT, and it was nice to spend time with her and her super cute daughter that cries very little for a newborn. My favorite part was giving her a bath. She tried to drink the bath water! CUTE!!! Other than hanging out with the baby, we went to a couple bars (just me and her husband, Damien), to a couple restaurants (I ate ice cream that tasted like Blue Bell Homemade Vanilla!!!) to visit some of their friends, and to a going away party. Good times.

In sadder news, my grandmother died last Thursday. It was expected, and it was time. For me, I felt like I lost my grandmother last July after her stroke, so I wasn't especially sad. Mostly I felt bad for not being able to be with my mom, but my brother was there, so that reassured me. My friend's mom who has cancer is also still struggling. She needs to gain 8 pounds in the next 2 weeks to be eligible for chemo. For anyone who is reading this, please send prayers or positive thoughts or whatever you do their way. Another friend's mom is also not doing so well. More than anything, I'm concerned about how she's going to deal with it all. Positive thoughts for her are also appreciated.

Overdue blog

Ok, I'll be honest, some people have gotten a similar version of this in e-mail form. It's just so long and the same information, so I didn't want to type it all over again. It has been a few weeks, so I have lots to report.

Life was not cool to people around me for a while and is still not being great to some. I found out a friend's mom has cancer for which there is no cure, only treatment. My grandmother took another turn for the worse, which is hard on my mom. A friend's ex screwed her over in a way that meant moving and maybe losing the car. Another friend's dog had to be put to sleep. Another friend's co-worker died of a heart attack. Another friend's mom has been sick for a while but was given 6 months to live. Honestly, the list could go on. It was just really shitty for my friends and family.

I, on the other hand, have been feeling pretty good. I took my last final on the 26th. I'm still waiting for grades, but I think everything should be ok. I'm so happy to be done with school. It was a fantastic experience that I wouldn't trade for the world, but I like being a working adult. I like having a job and responsibilities and a schedule. I like living in more than 120 square feet. And even though I don't need them to be happy, I like having things. I miss having a kitchen that isn't down the hall. Anyway, I could go on, but the short of it, I'm ready to move on.

Thanks to a contact given to me by the HR director for the job I didn't get, I have a temp job for part of the summer. It's just a part-time gig as a receptionist (tomorrow is the end of the first 2 weeks,then a 3 week break, and then 5 weeks in July/August), I'm thrilled to be working again. I've resumed a somewhat normal sleep schedule (which I didn't have for months) and have even been to the gym a couple times. I even exchanged going out and drinking on Saturday for going to the movies by myself. Now that I actually have human contact several hours a day, I don't feel as obligated to go drinking just not to be alone. Don't get me wrong, I love my new friends, but I like a little variety. After my tame Saturday night, I went to a meditation class on Sunday morning at the Buddhist center, which was cool.

Oh, and I'm going to Belgium on Wednesday to see a friend and her new baby. I'm excited about it!!!

As for the job hunt, I still haven't looked as much as I should, but I'm about to start sending generic cover letters and resumes to international business schools like the one I applied to in Rennes. Apparently randomly applying is common in France, and a fair amount of people get hired that way. I met with a former teacher from this year who is American, and he gave me a couple contacts that I e-mailed. I'm going to try to meet with the head of our program next week or the week after for the same thing....advice/contacts.

I also applied for the HSBC international management program and am on step 3 of 4. I had a phone interview on Tuesday, and if I get selected for the next step, I'll go to London for a 2-day assessment (which could cause a problem with the temp job because I might have to miss a couple days, but I'd take the chance for this opportunity!). It's really competitive- they expect 5000 applications for 80-100 openings. It's the scariest and most exciting thing I've come across in a long time. If I got in, I'd be automatically put in a management position in one of their locations in 88 countries. I'd have no choice in where I'd go, and I'd change countries every 18-36 months. Scary! Awesome! But you know, I'm tired of just being okay. I want to be great! Plus, 5 years in this program would prepare me to either start my own or run an existing non-profit or orphanage or whatever.

So, I think that covers a big chunk of what has been going on as of late. More to report soon I hope.

Feeling better...

I thought I should throw out a little positivity since my last several posts have kind of been on the negative side. I'm disappointed about not getting the job, but I'm ready to take a chance, apply for lots of stuff, and contact any person who I think might be able to help me find a job. I just need to keep reminding myself I have nothing to lose. Something will turn up eventually somewhere. In the meantime, I will rely on my kind mother for loans until I finally have an income :)

So, I'm really thankful to have such wonderful friends and family. I've been once again reminded that I am surrounded by people who believe in me and want the best for me. That's pretty awesome! My mama is also super cool and awesome, as is Juan. He's more of a silent supporter, but I know he's there.

I'm thankful that I'm in France in the first place. It's easy to focus on the fact that I didn't get what I wanted, but if I hadn't been here and had someone nice enough to give me a contact name, I wouldn't have had the chance to have an interview. Not everyone gets the opportunity to travel and take a risk. I feel pretty lucky. I don't want to go home tomorrow, but if I did, I'd have met some incredible people here that will be my friends for a long time.

I'm one class and one exam away from having a Master's degree. That's something to be thankful for too. Another thing I said I'd never do but did anyway. Pretty cool.

I'm also still thankful for Breakthrough. While I've posted my freakouts in a public place, they're still not as bad as they used to be and don't last as long. I'm happy to have a new perspective that allows me to work towards being positive instead of always staying focused on the negative.

Ok, I'm off to grab a drink with some of those new friends and enjoy the sunshine that has FINALLY come back!

Now what?

So, I didn't get the job. I'm sure that means there's something better out there for me, but what? Where? I feel kind of lost and overwhelmed.

Not handling this gracefully...

At some point, things started to spiral out of control, and I'm not handling any of this very gracefully. I know I shouldn't be scared. I know everything will be fine. But I still feel frozen with fear and panic about what happens next. All I want to do (and a lot of what I am doing) is shovel food into my face and sleep. Then I feel guilty and fat and lazy and out of control and horrible. I go out with friends and feel better. I read inspirational blogs and websites and remind myself of all that I believe in about love and hope and possibility and feel better. Then, the panic comes again and my head spins and I feel uncomfortable in my own skin and all I can think about is wanting a cigarette or chocolate or ice cream or butter. Then comes the guilt again because I should be able to handle this. I shouldn't be freaking out. This isn't such a big deal. I can do this. And I remind myself that you get what you focus your attention on, so I try to think positive and fake it until I make it and that works for a little bit and then I panic and the cycle continues.

Coming Clean...

Appropriately, as I start to write this "Food, Glorious Food" from Oliver is playing on the Windows Media Player mix.

So, I feel compelled to talk about my relationship with food. Mostly because I've been thinking about it a lot and also because a friend shared a bit of her story in a public place, so I thought I'd join her. I don't talk to everyone about some parts of it because I'm afraid people will judge or think I'm not normal, but in every other way, I feel pretty well-adjusted, happy, and normal. Anyway, here goes...

Some of my friends know how much of a struggle it is for me. Most people who know me have seen me on a diet, obsessing over Weight Watchers points at one point or another in the 8 years since I discovered the WW program. This is a lifelong issue that has changed forms along the way. At my biggest, I was about 275 pounds and at my lightest, about 175. There have been several pounds lost and gained back and lost and gained back in between. Yet, for all the knowledge I have about diets, exercise, what is healthy, I still struggle.

These days, it's more of a binge eating thing, though sometimes it's just too much snacking. I might do well for several days or even several weeks, and then I'll decide to eat several bowls of oatmeal, a whole box of cereal, sugar or butter with a spoon (I don't generally buy butter or sugar because of that), a kilo of fruit, or like last night, I consumed about 4000 calories (I'm ready to admit that I ate that much, but I'm not ready to say what) in the evening (making the daily total just over 5000 I imagine). I planned it, really. I mean, I thought I could stop myself, which I couldn't, but I sat in class beforehand obsessing over what I would buy at the store on the way home. Then I stayed in my room for hours and stared at the computer. In one bit of positive news, I started a FB group with a friend to be support for anyone who needs it for any reason. When those binge/OCD moments hit, I feel like I can't control it. I am able to eat quantities of foods that might make others sick. It makes me feel uncomfortable, but as soon as that feeling passes, I can, and often do, eat again.

I have things that I feel like I can't have in the house. The list includes butter, sugar, chocolate, and peanut butter. I used to be able to have sugar and eat it in moderation, but that seems to have gone out the window. The list is much longer than that, actually, but those are the 4 biggest offenders.

I spend an abnormal amount of time thinking about food. When I'm dieting, I'm planning what I'm going to eat and when. When I have a gorge moment, I can't stop thinking about whatever the food is until it's gone. Sometimes I don't like going into situations where there's lots of food (dinner parties and the such) because I'm usually pretty sure that I'll over eat.

My senses of full and hungry have been all thrown off. Just to see what would happen, I went 24 hours without eating. The difference in my "hungry" after 2 hours wasn't much different than after 24, just a little shakier and low energy after 24 hours. When I've spent a few hours without eating, sometimes I get desperate and panicky and have to remind myself that I'm not going to starve to death.

I fit most of the criteria for OA's definition of someone with a food addiction. There's all that I've mentioned above, plus the fact that very few will ever see me in full-on binge mode. I prefer to do it in private. I went to a few OA meetings, though, and it wasn't for me. I used to think I ate because I was unhappy and miserable on the inside, but I don't feel unhappy and miserable on the inside anymore. There's definitely a link with stress, fear, and boredom, but sometimes without those things, it happens.

Because I'm not unhappy anymore and have started to recognize my value as a person, it bothers me less than it used to, but my biggest fear is that it will never stop. I can't stay on a diet forever. The last 8 years feel like enough (really the last 20 if you count the first time I tried to lose weight). At some point, I'm going to have to learn to eat without counting and without gorging. I know what healthy eating looks like for God's sakes. Furthermore, it's taking up a lot of my energy that I'm sure could be better spent elsewhere. I'm tired.

Sometimes I think about trying to figure out why I do it...was it the babysitter that made me eat food from the trash? When I was in Oliver, did hearing "Food, Glorious Food" every night have some sort of subconscious impact?...but more and more, I don't really care why, and I don't really think anything is wrong with me psychologically speaking. That being said, I might actually go see someone about it whenever I get a job with insurance (wherever that may be), mostly to figure out some coping mechanisms.

In the meantime, I have a renewed commitment to my diet and making healthy choices. I've said it before, and I'll say it again...I fall down a lot, but I don't see any other option but to get back up again and try again. One day, maybe I'll find my balance...