Bitter Sweet

So, someone asked me if my leaving was bitter sweet the other day, and I replied that it was pretty much just sweet. The bitter finally kicked in a little yesterday. I shed my first real tears about leaving, and it happened several times throughout the day. I am thrilled to be going to France, but I am sad to leave such a wonderful life here full of incredibly amazing friends and family.

I love the people in my life soooo much. They are such a wonderful group of human beings, and I feel fortunate to have them. And while I know I'm not losing them by going to France (in fact, I'm really just opening up the opportunity for more great people to come into my life), it's still a little sad to think that I won't see them as often, and I won't have this life anymore. I have less than 72 hours, and it all changes.

On a separate note, I think I want to do work with women's rights. I'm not sure how that fits in with the business degree, but it's a thought.

Here we go...

So, this is my first attempt at blogging, but it seemed like the thing to do on the verge of my next big adventure. I'm so excited I can't even begin to describe it. At the same time, it seems surreal. It's like I've told this story for the last 3 months about moving to France, and now it's coming true. It's weird to think that I won't see my friends and family for a while, possibly as long as a year. That being said, I feel like I'm in a better place than I ever have been. I'm truly happy for the first time in my life.

I guess I should start this blog with an explanation of where I am in my life right now. Most of my friends know about my recent experience that totally changed my perspective on life. I went through a training called Breakthrough. I was starting to feel kind of miserable just before BT. I had flashes of happiness, but I was finding myself crying more often and feeling panicky and hopeless. I was afraid of going to France in that state of mind. I had even seen a therapist a couple times, and after talking to my doctor about my anxiety, he prescribed me Prozac, which was totally unnecessary. I took it anyway to see if I felt better. I didn't really. It helped me to not feel like I was going to hyperventilate, but it didn't quiet the constant thoughts that swirled around in my head...the fears, the worries, the negativity.

I can't really explain all that BT changed in me. It continues to unfold. I continue to grow. During the 4-day training, the most important thing seemed to be that I learned that I have value no matter what. I mean, I kind of knew it before, but my value came from what I did. I lost weight, I was a better person. I gained weight, I sucked. I was nice to someone, I was a good person. I got mad at someone, I was a horrible bitch. It was so up and down. Now it feels constant. I just am, and I like the person I am. When I find something that I don't like about myself or do something that isn't true to the person I want to be, I look at it as a learning experience and opportunity for growth. For the first time in my life, I'm enjoying the journey and not really that concerned about the destination.

As I continue move forward on this path, I want to give and love and know as much as possible. I believe that love and hope are boundless and possibilities are infinite. I believe that there is always joy to be found in life, and I find a lot of joy in knowing other people. I've learned that happiness is a choice. I can't wait to see what happens next!

So, it is with this new perspective that I embark on my new adventure. I'm sure I'll fall, but I've learned that I can just get back up again. Hold on tight...here we go...