Feeling better...

I thought I should throw out a little positivity since my last several posts have kind of been on the negative side. I'm disappointed about not getting the job, but I'm ready to take a chance, apply for lots of stuff, and contact any person who I think might be able to help me find a job. I just need to keep reminding myself I have nothing to lose. Something will turn up eventually somewhere. In the meantime, I will rely on my kind mother for loans until I finally have an income :)

So, I'm really thankful to have such wonderful friends and family. I've been once again reminded that I am surrounded by people who believe in me and want the best for me. That's pretty awesome! My mama is also super cool and awesome, as is Juan. He's more of a silent supporter, but I know he's there.

I'm thankful that I'm in France in the first place. It's easy to focus on the fact that I didn't get what I wanted, but if I hadn't been here and had someone nice enough to give me a contact name, I wouldn't have had the chance to have an interview. Not everyone gets the opportunity to travel and take a risk. I feel pretty lucky. I don't want to go home tomorrow, but if I did, I'd have met some incredible people here that will be my friends for a long time.

I'm one class and one exam away from having a Master's degree. That's something to be thankful for too. Another thing I said I'd never do but did anyway. Pretty cool.

I'm also still thankful for Breakthrough. While I've posted my freakouts in a public place, they're still not as bad as they used to be and don't last as long. I'm happy to have a new perspective that allows me to work towards being positive instead of always staying focused on the negative.

Ok, I'm off to grab a drink with some of those new friends and enjoy the sunshine that has FINALLY come back!

Now what?

So, I didn't get the job. I'm sure that means there's something better out there for me, but what? Where? I feel kind of lost and overwhelmed.

Not handling this gracefully...

At some point, things started to spiral out of control, and I'm not handling any of this very gracefully. I know I shouldn't be scared. I know everything will be fine. But I still feel frozen with fear and panic about what happens next. All I want to do (and a lot of what I am doing) is shovel food into my face and sleep. Then I feel guilty and fat and lazy and out of control and horrible. I go out with friends and feel better. I read inspirational blogs and websites and remind myself of all that I believe in about love and hope and possibility and feel better. Then, the panic comes again and my head spins and I feel uncomfortable in my own skin and all I can think about is wanting a cigarette or chocolate or ice cream or butter. Then comes the guilt again because I should be able to handle this. I shouldn't be freaking out. This isn't such a big deal. I can do this. And I remind myself that you get what you focus your attention on, so I try to think positive and fake it until I make it and that works for a little bit and then I panic and the cycle continues.

Coming Clean...

Appropriately, as I start to write this "Food, Glorious Food" from Oliver is playing on the Windows Media Player mix.

So, I feel compelled to talk about my relationship with food. Mostly because I've been thinking about it a lot and also because a friend shared a bit of her story in a public place, so I thought I'd join her. I don't talk to everyone about some parts of it because I'm afraid people will judge or think I'm not normal, but in every other way, I feel pretty well-adjusted, happy, and normal. Anyway, here goes...

Some of my friends know how much of a struggle it is for me. Most people who know me have seen me on a diet, obsessing over Weight Watchers points at one point or another in the 8 years since I discovered the WW program. This is a lifelong issue that has changed forms along the way. At my biggest, I was about 275 pounds and at my lightest, about 175. There have been several pounds lost and gained back and lost and gained back in between. Yet, for all the knowledge I have about diets, exercise, what is healthy, I still struggle.

These days, it's more of a binge eating thing, though sometimes it's just too much snacking. I might do well for several days or even several weeks, and then I'll decide to eat several bowls of oatmeal, a whole box of cereal, sugar or butter with a spoon (I don't generally buy butter or sugar because of that), a kilo of fruit, or like last night, I consumed about 4000 calories (I'm ready to admit that I ate that much, but I'm not ready to say what) in the evening (making the daily total just over 5000 I imagine). I planned it, really. I mean, I thought I could stop myself, which I couldn't, but I sat in class beforehand obsessing over what I would buy at the store on the way home. Then I stayed in my room for hours and stared at the computer. In one bit of positive news, I started a FB group with a friend to be support for anyone who needs it for any reason. When those binge/OCD moments hit, I feel like I can't control it. I am able to eat quantities of foods that might make others sick. It makes me feel uncomfortable, but as soon as that feeling passes, I can, and often do, eat again.

I have things that I feel like I can't have in the house. The list includes butter, sugar, chocolate, and peanut butter. I used to be able to have sugar and eat it in moderation, but that seems to have gone out the window. The list is much longer than that, actually, but those are the 4 biggest offenders.

I spend an abnormal amount of time thinking about food. When I'm dieting, I'm planning what I'm going to eat and when. When I have a gorge moment, I can't stop thinking about whatever the food is until it's gone. Sometimes I don't like going into situations where there's lots of food (dinner parties and the such) because I'm usually pretty sure that I'll over eat.

My senses of full and hungry have been all thrown off. Just to see what would happen, I went 24 hours without eating. The difference in my "hungry" after 2 hours wasn't much different than after 24, just a little shakier and low energy after 24 hours. When I've spent a few hours without eating, sometimes I get desperate and panicky and have to remind myself that I'm not going to starve to death.

I fit most of the criteria for OA's definition of someone with a food addiction. There's all that I've mentioned above, plus the fact that very few will ever see me in full-on binge mode. I prefer to do it in private. I went to a few OA meetings, though, and it wasn't for me. I used to think I ate because I was unhappy and miserable on the inside, but I don't feel unhappy and miserable on the inside anymore. There's definitely a link with stress, fear, and boredom, but sometimes without those things, it happens.

Because I'm not unhappy anymore and have started to recognize my value as a person, it bothers me less than it used to, but my biggest fear is that it will never stop. I can't stay on a diet forever. The last 8 years feel like enough (really the last 20 if you count the first time I tried to lose weight). At some point, I'm going to have to learn to eat without counting and without gorging. I know what healthy eating looks like for God's sakes. Furthermore, it's taking up a lot of my energy that I'm sure could be better spent elsewhere. I'm tired.

Sometimes I think about trying to figure out why I do it...was it the babysitter that made me eat food from the trash? When I was in Oliver, did hearing "Food, Glorious Food" every night have some sort of subconscious impact?...but more and more, I don't really care why, and I don't really think anything is wrong with me psychologically speaking. That being said, I might actually go see someone about it whenever I get a job with insurance (wherever that may be), mostly to figure out some coping mechanisms.

In the meantime, I have a renewed commitment to my diet and making healthy choices. I've said it before, and I'll say it again...I fall down a lot, but I don't see any other option but to get back up again and try again. One day, maybe I'll find my balance...