Not handling this gracefully...

At some point, things started to spiral out of control, and I'm not handling any of this very gracefully. I know I shouldn't be scared. I know everything will be fine. But I still feel frozen with fear and panic about what happens next. All I want to do (and a lot of what I am doing) is shovel food into my face and sleep. Then I feel guilty and fat and lazy and out of control and horrible. I go out with friends and feel better. I read inspirational blogs and websites and remind myself of all that I believe in about love and hope and possibility and feel better. Then, the panic comes again and my head spins and I feel uncomfortable in my own skin and all I can think about is wanting a cigarette or chocolate or ice cream or butter. Then comes the guilt again because I should be able to handle this. I shouldn't be freaking out. This isn't such a big deal. I can do this. And I remind myself that you get what you focus your attention on, so I try to think positive and fake it until I make it and that works for a little bit and then I panic and the cycle continues.