Giving thanks on Thanksgiving

Today is supposed to be 5 minutes of giving thanks for what I already have. I already went in to some detail about how grateful I am for work and my mom. I'm also insanely thankful for all the wonderful people that are my friends and family. I feel so lucky that they love me and are in my life. I'm thankful to have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, (more than enough) food in my stomach, my health, a car to borrow from time to time. I'm thankful to be back in Austin, especially on Thanksgiving. It's my favorite holiday, and I missed it last year. I'm thankful for words of kindness and all the ways people and the Universe take care of me. I'm thankful for my cat. I love my Stinky Monkey. I'm thankful to be alive and for the journey that is my life.

Day 4

Ok, so today I'm supposed to write a letter of thanks for the "negative" things in my life. Honestly, this is hard for me. I'm great at recognizing how good "bad" things were in hindsight; not so good at recognizing them while they're happening. So, what I'll say is that I'm thankful to be alive, to have struggles to overcome. And I'm very thankful that they're really not so bad...if my "negatives" were compared to how hard you'd have to fight a fish, I'd be looking at reeling in a perch or small catfish rather than some folks who are up against a marlin. The difficulties of yesterday made me the woman I am today, and I'm sure the small difficulties of today will make me a stronger person in the future.

Day 3

Today I'm supposed to write about something I feel grateful for...

I've been especially thankful lately to be back at work in ISSS. I love, love, love the people I work with. Like, how many people get to go to work everyday and hang out with some of their best friends? How many people get to help others AND laugh and be ridiculous? Darcy sits next to me and alternates between whale sounds, clucking like a chicken, saying "Oh no you di'nt!", and singing songs that simultaneously make me laugh and drive me crazy. I'm really excited about the people who have come since I left too. I'm looking forward to getting to know them better. In addition to the great co-workers, I see students from around the world, some of whom are doing some really interesting research. We see weird ones, normal ones, fun ones, mean ones, ones you just want to put in your pocket, ones you hope you never see again. I love it!

I'm also incredibly thankful for my mom. She is sooooo good to me. I don't know if she really knows how good she is or how much I appreciate her. She has taken such good care of me...always really, but especially since I've been home. She doesn't make me feel burdensome being home. She cooks for me. I feel comfortable here. A few different people have offered to let me stay with them or in their house while they're gone to get some "time away," but each time I think, "Why would I want to leave the comfort of my home?"

Ok, I could go on, but it's late, so I'll stop. There are still 18 more days (and of course the rest of my days after) to express my gratitude.

The ABCs of Gratitude

Gratitude Challenge Day 2

I am grateful for...

A. All the adventures I've been on

B. Breakthrough

C. Chances to cut loose on the dance floor

D. Darcy and her D&Ms

E. Emergence

F. France and all the time I've gotten to spend there

G. Gui

H. Hi-speed internet

I. Interesting coworkers

J. Juan

K. Knowledge

L. Laughter

M. Mom and dad

N. New experiences

O. Opportunities to learn and grow

P. People who surround me

Q. Quality time with friends and family

R. Ridiculous amounts of patience and giving my mom has shown

S. SoodieSood

T. Traveling

U. Unexpected acts of kindness

V. Very changing weather in Texas in the fall

W. Working in ISSS

X. Xenophiles (awesome! I just had to look up words that start with x and found one I love!)

Y. You

Z. Zen

Gratitude Challenge Day 1

Ok, I know I haven't blogged in almost 3 months and there's lots to say, but not for now. I'm starting a 21-day gratitude challenge (http://www.gratitudechallenge.com/), and today is day 1. So, the first day's assignment is to express why I'm doing this challenge. The answer is I have a couple friends who are doing it, so I thought I'd do it with them. Plus, I figure it's always good to be grateful for the things in life. I already feel like I am pretty grateful in general, but it'll be good to really concentrate on it for the next 21 days. So, here we go...

Final days in France

Well, without internet at home, I've let 2 months pass without writing a blog. I leave Rennes on Tuesday and France on the 15th. In the meantime, I'll be in Paris, Dreux, and Mons (Belgium). I think I'm finally ready to come home. I'll miss France, but the last 2 months have been off and on rough. No internet or TV at home, and all my classmates left. I also kind of quit hanging out with my new little group of friends from the beginning of the year. Some of it was me- I've not been wanting to drink like before, so I kind of quit calling as much. Part of it was them- I never get invited along anymore, and sometimes don't get return calls when I do call. Even my friend that I was closest with has kind of fallen off the map since she moved away from Rennes (in her defense, I think she's genuinely busy, but still). Honestly, it's been a little disappointing, but probably for the best, as it prepares me for the move back home.

In happier news, I met some nice people while I was doing my temp job. I spoke a ton of French for the 5 weeks I was there. I finally feel like it's close to a level where I want it to be. It was good before but not good enough for me. Anywho, I was saying...nice people from work...one woman is inviting me to lunch tomorrow, and I generally liked just about everyone in the company. It was a really good experience.

I also met a really nice 80 year-old man at the library here in Rennes a few weeks ago. We've hung out a lot. I feel bad because I know he often feels very lonely, and when I leave, he'll be alone again. Apparently, in the 2 years he's lived in his apartment, I'm the only one he's invited over for dinner. Being old and alone sucks!

I had a nice trip to Perpignan to visit my old host mother. It was soooo beautiful!!! Mountains with vineyards everywhere on one side and the Mediterranean on the other. Honestly? What more could you ask for. Her adopted grandfather took me all along the coast in his little RV. It was great!

Other than Pierre (the little old man), my friends Norma, Aba, and Michelle have been great recently. I want to focuse on the positive people and experiences more than the negative. It would be silly to focus more on what's gone wrong than what's gone right...in my opinion, anyway.

What else? I didn't get the job at HSBC, which was disappointing, but I guess the Universe has other plans. Like I said, I'll miss France and am a little sad to leave, but more and more I am incredibly happy to be coming home. Still no idea where I'll end up or what I'll be doing.

At this moment, I feel kind of icky...sick to my stomach, sore throat. Hopefully a good night's sleep will clear that up.

Ok, I'm rambling, so I'm out!

Thank God Summer's Here!

The weather was still cold and kind of crappy part of last week (not as bad as in Belgium, but I'll get back to that). This week, we've had highs in the 70s and 80s, which feels really warm to me now. The sun is shining and the sky is blue. We get 16 hours from sunrise to sunset and over 17 hours of visible light. It never ceases to amaze me! The days will start getting shorter and shorter, though, and by November/December, it's ridiculous! I'm enjoying it while it lasts.

I move out of my dorm room and into my friend's apartment on Wednesday. I'm pumped about having a real apartment, though I'll be without internet or TV, and most of my friends will have left by then, which is a little frightening. I'm sure I'll figure out something to do...maybe read or something crazy. As little stuff as I have, I'm still not looking forward to moving. I think I'm going to start renting furnished apartments and have the minimum amount of books and decorations. Or just leave everything but clothes every time I move. In the last 7 1/2 years, I have done at least mini-moves (like going to Port Aransas or France) that involved a certain amount of packing and unpacking 11 times. This will be the 12th. Basta!

That being said, I found out I'm moving on to the interview stage of the job at HSBC, though I don't know when yet. I couldn't be happier. This is the job for me. Even more than the one in Rennes. As for the regular moving part of the job, that's where the only taking clothes comes in or I'll have enough money to hire movers. I want this, but at the same time, I'm trying to accept what the Universe brings me. I'm not feeling especially patient again :)

I went to Mons, Belgium last week to visit a friend, her husband, and their 5 week old baby. It was fantastic! The weather was kind of crappy; I had to wear a sweater, a fleece pullover thing, and a cardigan...in June!!!! The high on Saturday was around 60 with rain and wind. I can't get my head around it. I love all three of them though. I've known Danielle for a long time. We studied French together at UT, and it was nice to spend time with her and her super cute daughter that cries very little for a newborn. My favorite part was giving her a bath. She tried to drink the bath water! CUTE!!! Other than hanging out with the baby, we went to a couple bars (just me and her husband, Damien), to a couple restaurants (I ate ice cream that tasted like Blue Bell Homemade Vanilla!!!) to visit some of their friends, and to a going away party. Good times.

In sadder news, my grandmother died last Thursday. It was expected, and it was time. For me, I felt like I lost my grandmother last July after her stroke, so I wasn't especially sad. Mostly I felt bad for not being able to be with my mom, but my brother was there, so that reassured me. My friend's mom who has cancer is also still struggling. She needs to gain 8 pounds in the next 2 weeks to be eligible for chemo. For anyone who is reading this, please send prayers or positive thoughts or whatever you do their way. Another friend's mom is also not doing so well. More than anything, I'm concerned about how she's going to deal with it all. Positive thoughts for her are also appreciated.

Overdue blog

Ok, I'll be honest, some people have gotten a similar version of this in e-mail form. It's just so long and the same information, so I didn't want to type it all over again. It has been a few weeks, so I have lots to report.

Life was not cool to people around me for a while and is still not being great to some. I found out a friend's mom has cancer for which there is no cure, only treatment. My grandmother took another turn for the worse, which is hard on my mom. A friend's ex screwed her over in a way that meant moving and maybe losing the car. Another friend's dog had to be put to sleep. Another friend's co-worker died of a heart attack. Another friend's mom has been sick for a while but was given 6 months to live. Honestly, the list could go on. It was just really shitty for my friends and family.

I, on the other hand, have been feeling pretty good. I took my last final on the 26th. I'm still waiting for grades, but I think everything should be ok. I'm so happy to be done with school. It was a fantastic experience that I wouldn't trade for the world, but I like being a working adult. I like having a job and responsibilities and a schedule. I like living in more than 120 square feet. And even though I don't need them to be happy, I like having things. I miss having a kitchen that isn't down the hall. Anyway, I could go on, but the short of it, I'm ready to move on.

Thanks to a contact given to me by the HR director for the job I didn't get, I have a temp job for part of the summer. It's just a part-time gig as a receptionist (tomorrow is the end of the first 2 weeks,then a 3 week break, and then 5 weeks in July/August), I'm thrilled to be working again. I've resumed a somewhat normal sleep schedule (which I didn't have for months) and have even been to the gym a couple times. I even exchanged going out and drinking on Saturday for going to the movies by myself. Now that I actually have human contact several hours a day, I don't feel as obligated to go drinking just not to be alone. Don't get me wrong, I love my new friends, but I like a little variety. After my tame Saturday night, I went to a meditation class on Sunday morning at the Buddhist center, which was cool.

Oh, and I'm going to Belgium on Wednesday to see a friend and her new baby. I'm excited about it!!!

As for the job hunt, I still haven't looked as much as I should, but I'm about to start sending generic cover letters and resumes to international business schools like the one I applied to in Rennes. Apparently randomly applying is common in France, and a fair amount of people get hired that way. I met with a former teacher from this year who is American, and he gave me a couple contacts that I e-mailed. I'm going to try to meet with the head of our program next week or the week after for the same thing....advice/contacts.

I also applied for the HSBC international management program and am on step 3 of 4. I had a phone interview on Tuesday, and if I get selected for the next step, I'll go to London for a 2-day assessment (which could cause a problem with the temp job because I might have to miss a couple days, but I'd take the chance for this opportunity!). It's really competitive- they expect 5000 applications for 80-100 openings. It's the scariest and most exciting thing I've come across in a long time. If I got in, I'd be automatically put in a management position in one of their locations in 88 countries. I'd have no choice in where I'd go, and I'd change countries every 18-36 months. Scary! Awesome! But you know, I'm tired of just being okay. I want to be great! Plus, 5 years in this program would prepare me to either start my own or run an existing non-profit or orphanage or whatever.

So, I think that covers a big chunk of what has been going on as of late. More to report soon I hope.

Feeling better...

I thought I should throw out a little positivity since my last several posts have kind of been on the negative side. I'm disappointed about not getting the job, but I'm ready to take a chance, apply for lots of stuff, and contact any person who I think might be able to help me find a job. I just need to keep reminding myself I have nothing to lose. Something will turn up eventually somewhere. In the meantime, I will rely on my kind mother for loans until I finally have an income :)

So, I'm really thankful to have such wonderful friends and family. I've been once again reminded that I am surrounded by people who believe in me and want the best for me. That's pretty awesome! My mama is also super cool and awesome, as is Juan. He's more of a silent supporter, but I know he's there.

I'm thankful that I'm in France in the first place. It's easy to focus on the fact that I didn't get what I wanted, but if I hadn't been here and had someone nice enough to give me a contact name, I wouldn't have had the chance to have an interview. Not everyone gets the opportunity to travel and take a risk. I feel pretty lucky. I don't want to go home tomorrow, but if I did, I'd have met some incredible people here that will be my friends for a long time.

I'm one class and one exam away from having a Master's degree. That's something to be thankful for too. Another thing I said I'd never do but did anyway. Pretty cool.

I'm also still thankful for Breakthrough. While I've posted my freakouts in a public place, they're still not as bad as they used to be and don't last as long. I'm happy to have a new perspective that allows me to work towards being positive instead of always staying focused on the negative.

Ok, I'm off to grab a drink with some of those new friends and enjoy the sunshine that has FINALLY come back!

Now what?

So, I didn't get the job. I'm sure that means there's something better out there for me, but what? Where? I feel kind of lost and overwhelmed.

Not handling this gracefully...

At some point, things started to spiral out of control, and I'm not handling any of this very gracefully. I know I shouldn't be scared. I know everything will be fine. But I still feel frozen with fear and panic about what happens next. All I want to do (and a lot of what I am doing) is shovel food into my face and sleep. Then I feel guilty and fat and lazy and out of control and horrible. I go out with friends and feel better. I read inspirational blogs and websites and remind myself of all that I believe in about love and hope and possibility and feel better. Then, the panic comes again and my head spins and I feel uncomfortable in my own skin and all I can think about is wanting a cigarette or chocolate or ice cream or butter. Then comes the guilt again because I should be able to handle this. I shouldn't be freaking out. This isn't such a big deal. I can do this. And I remind myself that you get what you focus your attention on, so I try to think positive and fake it until I make it and that works for a little bit and then I panic and the cycle continues.

Coming Clean...

Appropriately, as I start to write this "Food, Glorious Food" from Oliver is playing on the Windows Media Player mix.

So, I feel compelled to talk about my relationship with food. Mostly because I've been thinking about it a lot and also because a friend shared a bit of her story in a public place, so I thought I'd join her. I don't talk to everyone about some parts of it because I'm afraid people will judge or think I'm not normal, but in every other way, I feel pretty well-adjusted, happy, and normal. Anyway, here goes...

Some of my friends know how much of a struggle it is for me. Most people who know me have seen me on a diet, obsessing over Weight Watchers points at one point or another in the 8 years since I discovered the WW program. This is a lifelong issue that has changed forms along the way. At my biggest, I was about 275 pounds and at my lightest, about 175. There have been several pounds lost and gained back and lost and gained back in between. Yet, for all the knowledge I have about diets, exercise, what is healthy, I still struggle.

These days, it's more of a binge eating thing, though sometimes it's just too much snacking. I might do well for several days or even several weeks, and then I'll decide to eat several bowls of oatmeal, a whole box of cereal, sugar or butter with a spoon (I don't generally buy butter or sugar because of that), a kilo of fruit, or like last night, I consumed about 4000 calories (I'm ready to admit that I ate that much, but I'm not ready to say what) in the evening (making the daily total just over 5000 I imagine). I planned it, really. I mean, I thought I could stop myself, which I couldn't, but I sat in class beforehand obsessing over what I would buy at the store on the way home. Then I stayed in my room for hours and stared at the computer. In one bit of positive news, I started a FB group with a friend to be support for anyone who needs it for any reason. When those binge/OCD moments hit, I feel like I can't control it. I am able to eat quantities of foods that might make others sick. It makes me feel uncomfortable, but as soon as that feeling passes, I can, and often do, eat again.

I have things that I feel like I can't have in the house. The list includes butter, sugar, chocolate, and peanut butter. I used to be able to have sugar and eat it in moderation, but that seems to have gone out the window. The list is much longer than that, actually, but those are the 4 biggest offenders.

I spend an abnormal amount of time thinking about food. When I'm dieting, I'm planning what I'm going to eat and when. When I have a gorge moment, I can't stop thinking about whatever the food is until it's gone. Sometimes I don't like going into situations where there's lots of food (dinner parties and the such) because I'm usually pretty sure that I'll over eat.

My senses of full and hungry have been all thrown off. Just to see what would happen, I went 24 hours without eating. The difference in my "hungry" after 2 hours wasn't much different than after 24, just a little shakier and low energy after 24 hours. When I've spent a few hours without eating, sometimes I get desperate and panicky and have to remind myself that I'm not going to starve to death.

I fit most of the criteria for OA's definition of someone with a food addiction. There's all that I've mentioned above, plus the fact that very few will ever see me in full-on binge mode. I prefer to do it in private. I went to a few OA meetings, though, and it wasn't for me. I used to think I ate because I was unhappy and miserable on the inside, but I don't feel unhappy and miserable on the inside anymore. There's definitely a link with stress, fear, and boredom, but sometimes without those things, it happens.

Because I'm not unhappy anymore and have started to recognize my value as a person, it bothers me less than it used to, but my biggest fear is that it will never stop. I can't stay on a diet forever. The last 8 years feel like enough (really the last 20 if you count the first time I tried to lose weight). At some point, I'm going to have to learn to eat without counting and without gorging. I know what healthy eating looks like for God's sakes. Furthermore, it's taking up a lot of my energy that I'm sure could be better spent elsewhere. I'm tired.

Sometimes I think about trying to figure out why I do it...was it the babysitter that made me eat food from the trash? When I was in Oliver, did hearing "Food, Glorious Food" every night have some sort of subconscious impact?...but more and more, I don't really care why, and I don't really think anything is wrong with me psychologically speaking. That being said, I might actually go see someone about it whenever I get a job with insurance (wherever that may be), mostly to figure out some coping mechanisms.

In the meantime, I have a renewed commitment to my diet and making healthy choices. I've said it before, and I'll say it again...I fall down a lot, but I don't see any other option but to get back up again and try again. One day, maybe I'll find my balance...

More positivity

Plus, this talks about my life in France instead of just my life in my head ;) This is copied and pasted directly from an e-mail I wrote to my brother yesterday:

I'm with enjoying the unseasonably warm weather (which for here is upper 60's and low 70's- we hit 77 yesterday, which is slightly above the average high temperature in the summer). I've adjusted to the cooler temperatures, so anything above 65 and sunny, and I'm fine to be in short sleeves in the sun. Lows are usually in the upper 30's and low 40's, so a sweater and jacket is still necessary at night. The days are getting longer, and now it doesn't get truly dark until around 10, though the official sunset time is probably around 9:15-9:30. The longest day of the year, there will be over 16 hours from official sunset to sunrise with 17.5 hours of visible light. It's a real trip. My sense of time is totally thrown off. The flip side of that is that we get REALLY short days in the winter. Flowers are in bloom, and there's one (that I don't know the name of) that is everywhere and smells lovely. The upside of a kind of miserable winter is an even bigger appreciation for a lovely spring. People are having drinks on patios everywhere. People are going for walks and having picnics and lying around on the grass, soaking up the sun. One of the things I like about France is a continued connection with the rhythm of life that we seem to have less in the US. You change your habits with the season. Lots of people say things like, "I eat less in the summer. It's so hot, you just want to eat a salad or something light and fresh." Really? We don't say things like that. For Texans, there's never a bad time for enchiladas or queso! They're less likely to eat (and sometimes can't even find) fruits and vegetables when they're not in season. People go out and talk to each other and sit in cafés. Julie and her friends are 23-25, but some of what they do reminds me of what mom experienced in San Antonio or you at St. Stephen's...I somehow missed out on it. They see each other regularly. Even in high school, they got together and did stuff, took trips. They were a group of 20ish and were always together. It's totally common and not really taboo for people to drink in high school here, so they did a lot of that too. They have a bond that fascinates me. So, that is the positive news from France.

Oh, that's much better!

I just snapped out of my funk, which started creeping in a while ago but really took off after my bad interview last week. Thanks to my friend Darcy (who often acts as my guardian angel, even when she's not trying), I figured out what was bothering me. I told her I was in a funk, and all she asked was what conversations were going on in my head.

The answer came back instantly and loudly, "I can't!" It was followed by , "I'm afraid," and "out of control," but those I already knew and weren't really at the root of the problem. If I truly believe that the Universe is out to provide me with all that I need, then what was I afraid of? That I couldn't or wouldn't do what was necessary. I was slightly frozen with fear that maybe I would just sit here and do nothing. So, it was not really getting this particular job that was upsetting me or cheating on my smoking or overeating but rather fear that maybe I wouldn't do anything about it. What I realized this afternoon is that despite my occasional behavior that suggests otherwise, I am a woman of action! Sometimes it takes me a while to get fed up enough, but I will not sit around in misery and do nothing. I will do something, damn it! I clearly have the worst balance ever because I fall down a lot on the path of life, but thus far, I keep getting back up and dusting myself off. So, I say this as a reminder to myself so that the time I take to get up after my next tumble might be a little shorter: Love, hope, and possibility are infinite. I can! I will! I shall!

On that note, I'm off to the gym!

Ups and Downs

The stress of not knowing about my future has been getting to me again. I actually cried about it a little today, though I was chatting with one of my friends, Nasser, who helped remind me to stay positive.

I love Nasser! It seems like one way or another we're going to get to see each other in the next 8 months or so, which is exciting. For anyone reading this who doesn't know, Nasser was my language assistant when I took an Arabic class. He was just in Austin for one year and then moved back to Oman to be with his wife and daughter. If I stay in France, I'll go see him in Oman the first chance I get. If I don't, it sounds like he might visit me and another friend in Austin in January. Hooray!

So, like I said, I felt better pretty quickly, but it's more than just the job. I feel like I'm in limbo all around. I don't feel like I'm taking action in lots of areas in my life, and I feel kind of frozen with fear and laziness, which then leads me to feel guilty. I'm afraid. There, I said it. I know that everything will be ok, but sometimes the fear wins out. I'm hoping this passes pretty quickly because I hate feeling this way, just uncomfortable in my own skin and all around.

I had an interesting evening with my volunteer work last night. We met a guy I'd never seen before; he's only been in Rennes for about 2 weeks. He talked about his life before: his time spent in rehab, his previous jobs, his schooling- he has a degree that could get him good work. He was clearly smart, very talkative, and good looking with beautiful teeth, like he probably had braces at some point in his life. It makes you wonder where things went wrong. I know that stuff isn't as expensive here as in the US, so maybe he didn't come from a rich family, but somebody cared enough to take him to the orthodontist. And he finished a degree and had worked and talked about wanting an apartment again, yet there he was in the street, drinking beer and panhandling.

We learned that one of the people we saw somewhat regularly committed suicide last week. He'd tried several times before, so it wasn't especially shocking but still sad, especially for another girl who volunteers because she'd talked to him a lot. I think she's going to go to his funeral tomorrow. I only saw him 3 times, but he was always smiling, even while talking about one of his previous attempts at suicide.

Then we saw another one of our "regulars." He is also super smart and articulate. He has a little area set up in a corner near the entrance of a shopping center. He said he's been there for about a year. He spends a lot of his time reading and people come by to talk to him. He's made friends just by always being in that corner. He doesn't drink, but he smokes an incredible amount of hash. He's only 23, but apparently was abandoned by his parents at 14 and has been homeless then not homeless 4 times already. He's really negative and has given up hope. He has said it- the fear of getting a job and an apartment then losing it again is too much for him, so he prefers to do nothing. It's too bad because all I can see in him is potential.

That's the case for lots of the people we see. Some of them are too far gone or have true mental problems, and you can't have real conversations with them. Some of them you look forward to hanging out with. Yet there's a sad side to it, knowing that a lot of them won't get out. The man who is 58 and has been homeless for years and drinks who knows how many bottles of pink wine a day and now has a problem with his leg and hardly moves...how much time does he really have left? Will the 23 year old end up killing himself too? Spending his life in the street? I'd like to believe that one day something will snap, and he'll get up again and fight. We'll see.

Que sera, sera

I'm trying to stay calm and positive. I really believe that everything will work out as it should, so I'm having faith in that.

That being said, I don't feel like my interview went so well. It only lasted 10 minutes, and I didn't have a good answer for my 5 year plan and don't feel like I conveyed well why I wanted the job. I had understood in the last interview that only the person chosen for the job would meet with the dean of the school, but I think I was mistaken. It sounded like he was meeting with several people. We'll see.

Furthermore, the random man I thought might be my spiritual guru told me he was in love me yesterday, which doesn't make me happy at all. Then he got all moody and upset because I didn't want to cancel my plans this weekend to spend more time with him. Today he left a message saying he was morally obligated to tell me that I was in love with my brother. Jesus Christ!

A few thoughts. First, let me describe the scene from yesterday. I met Christophe (formerly known as my spiritual guru) for coffee, and he gave me a post card with the lyrics of Bryan Adams' I Do it For You. In my head, all I could think was, "Oh shit!" I told him that nothing had changed for me since our first meeting and that I wanted to be clear that I was only looking for a friendship. We then went to an organization that's called "Si on se parlait," which translates to "If we talked to each other." I know what I'm about to say is wrong, but here I go: I felt like I was on the Island of Misfit Toys. I'd been wondering where the obese and handicapped people in France were hiding, and I found them. And something about not fitting in in a culture that is big into not going too far outside the box has made them a little weird. There was even a little Asian man who was balding but had long hair and was missing teeth, and he bowed at people. Actually, some of them seemed very nice, but between two of them having a screaming match and Christophe singing I Do it For You to me in front of everyone, I felt a little uncomfortable. Really, I can't explain it exactly, but I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone.

Second thought, I'm going to have to develop new tactics for talking to strangers in France. The percentage of strange people to normal people is growing. It's not a culture where you talk to strangers, so I really need to keep that in mind. It is one of my favorite activities, so I doubt I'll stop all together, but I may reconsider giving out my phone number.

Third thought, I don't regret any of it. I learned a few things from Christophe. He sent me a message when I needed it about remembering that the Universe was out to help me. I've also learned that sometimes it's ok to just cut people off. I tend to want to give people lots of chances because I believe people are inherently good and have something to offer and teach me. I still believe that, but again, that does not necessarily mean that I need to be friends will all of them. So, tonight, when my cell phone minutes are free, I will call him and tell him that I don't want to continue this relationship as friends or otherwise.

Fourth thought, the whole thing is pretty damn funny. As I listened to his message again and wrote this blog, I laughed out loud. Good grief! The situations I get myself into. That is what life is all about, though...laughing and learning.

Quick Blog

Okay, so a few quick things:

-I'm sick. It's just a cold, but still, boo!

-I had fun with Jesse here last week. We did a ton of stuff and ate a ton of food. I was happy to get to show him my new life here. Hopefully he won't get stuck in Paris with the volcanic ash cloud.

-My new life here may end up lasting a bit longer. I have a 3rd interview on Thursday, and if I understood correctly in my last interview, unless I make a bad impression, it means I got the job. I'll update everyone as soon as I know for sure.

-I ran into the man that I thought might be my spiritual guru on Sunday while walking Jesse to the train station. I almost thought he might be hitting on me, which would not be ok at all. We'll see.

-I have a new book that goes along with my newly found hippie side. It's called Pronoia is the Antidote for Paranoia by Rob Brezny. Here is one of the first things written in the book. I'm trying to make it my new mantra and my prayer for the world:

All of creation is conspiring to shower us with blessings. Life is crazily in love with us- brazenly and innocently in love with us. The universe always gives us exactly what we need, exactly when we need it. The winds and the tides are on our side, forever and ever, amen. The fire and the rain are scheming to steal our impossible pain. The sun and the moon and the stars remember our real names, and our ancestors pray for us while we're dreaming. We have guardian angels and thousands of teachers, provacateurs with designs to unleash us, helpers and saviors we can't even imagine, brothers and sisters who want us to blossom. Thanks to them, from whom the blissful blessings flow, we are waking up.

Somebody get me my crystals...

So, talking to strangers has really become one of my favorite hobbies in France. I do it a lot. Many times alcohol is involved; many times it isn't. Pretty much any time you leave me alone for 5 minutes, I'm going to have a conversation with someone. I've met a lot of people, some I've liked more than others. They have been mostly men, this is France after all, but very few of them were men I was actually interested in. Though many of my encounters have been brief, I really felt a connection with a few of them, particularly Vincent, François (whose brother is a monk), and Christophe...which brings me to my need for crystals.

I met Christophe on Thursday while I was visiting one of the homeless people I met doing my volunteer work. Christophe just came and sat down with us. After discussing for a while, he invited me to have a coffee with him. He didn't have enough money on him, so instead of coffee he just walked me to my next stop, the grocery store, and we exchanged numbers. He said he would help me look for a job, and sure enough, he left a message Thursday night to ask for my e-mail address to send me the link to a couple job postings. I didn't call back until today, and in addition to sending me the websites, he invited me to go have a coffee.

I just want to add a couple things before going on. First, he told me right away he wasn't trying to hit on me, which reassured me. He's perhaps a little old for me, and I wasn't interested in that way at all. Part of what made me feel comfortable around him was that he looks a lot like Steve Ulrich, my dad's best friend. I think he may be similar in personality too, and that makes me happy.

So, crystal-carrying hippie...Christophe talked a lot about energy and colors of energy and similar energies, and I LOVE that kind of thing. Just ate it all up! You know, I'm still half waiting to end up in an Ashram somewhere or on some sort of commune. And I don't know if I've said it publicly or not, but I think I'm destined to some day change the world, to make it a better place to live. I don't know if it'll be in a big way or a small way or when, but it will happen. Anywho, Christophe reminded me of a few very important things:

-Have faith that the Universe is out to give you the best of what life has to offer

-Ask the Universe for what you need rather than what you want. Sometimes the results you get are bigger than what you could have imagined.

-Believe you are worth all amounts of wonderfulness and success.

-Don't be afraid.

-Just be/go with the flow/"surf" as he said.

He also said I had the same energy as Johnny Hallyday in a different manifestation, which is really kind of funny if you know who Johnny Hallyday is. Anyway, after all of that, I sat in the kitchen with a friend from the dorm, and we were saying we wanted chocolate and to do something but couldn't figure out what and didn't want to move. Then, another guy from the dorm came in, and we started talking. We all decided to have tea in her room, and the guy brought chocolate plus we spent the rest of the evening hanging out and asking Trivial Pursuit questions. The Universe brought us everything we wanted. I'm a believer :)

Updates

So, we're just past a quarter of the way through the year, so I thought I'd give updates on my resolutions. Not that anyone cares so much, but why not. This is my blog after all. I have lost 14 pounds as of Monday morning, though that fluctuates quite a bit. Usually it's closer to 10, but I'm trying to get more serious again.

I have smoked twice in the last 2 weeks, and I just cannot let that happen. My addict brain tells me that I should smoke a pack before really committing again, but I'm not listening to it. It's too hard to quit. I can't keep doing it over and over again.

I haven't been to the gym as much as I'd like, but I definitely am going more than before New Year's and am making an effort to walk more. Sometimes I just go for long walks by myself for fun.

I've been doing several of the things on my "fear" list but not all. Specifically, I haven't been looking for a job. I haven't gone out of my way to talk to strangers, but they've really started talking to me a lot, so I guess that kind of counts :) I still feel like I'm not doing lots of things that scare me, again, specifically with the job. I just kind of feel like it's going to fall into my lap. Hopefully that won't backfire. We'll see.

As for giving to others, I don't know. I think I'm doing ok. Again, I always could do more. It's good for me to go back and read the resolutions to be reminded of who I want to be. It at least keeps it present in my mind.

I'm back on the happy wagon. Really, considering how much uncertainty is in my life, I'm staying pretty calm. I feel good. Life is good. I feel eternally grateful to be surrounded by wonderful people and wonderful things. I love my life here, especially Julie and her friends. They're good people. They contribute to me living as if I were 21, but hey, it's fun.

Outside of the resolutions, not much to report. Jesse will be here in less than a week!! Hooray! I called the HR director today, and she said the woman who would be my future boss had my file and was supposed to call me for a second interview. Apparently she's out of town right now, so I should expect a call at the end of this week or beginning of next. That's good news, but it still leaves me in limbo. It's not a yes; it's not a no. On verra!

Oh, I want to tell the crab story. So, my friend Julien (who is the boyfriend of one of Julie's friends from high school. He is one of my favorites. I think he'd fit in will with the Nick hippie crowd) had been to the market and then went to a café where I ran into him. He left with a friend, and I stayed with another friend of mine. I got a message as I was leaving saying he'd left his dead crab he bought at the market by the table and asked me to get it for him. So, of course I did, but then I had to wait 15 minutes in a crowded area holding a dead crab. Unfortunately, its shell was kind of spiny, so I had to hold it palm up with its legs splayed out everywhere. The looks I got from people were amazing. At least 4 of them even made remarks about it. One asked if he could have a leg. One said it was weird to have a dead crab as a pet. It was pretty funny. I'm sure I looked even crazier as I laughed out loud to myself, holding my dead crab, standing alone. Hahaha

Bad monkey...

I've fallen down on the job as far as blogging goes. I have to say, there hasn't been a ton of exciting things to report since the job interview. I really am going to need them to call me soon and tell me yes. I did finish my one assignment thus far this semester, which is exciting. Jesse will be here in 2 weeks, which is also exciting.

I've been thinking about it, and I would like a little more stability and certainty in my life. I know that really those things are kind of an illusion because we never know what is going to happen to us from one day to the next. I could get run over by a car just as easily as I could win the lottery or meet the man of my dreams. Still, I could really go for the illusion of stability. I want to be able to relax and not worry about looking for a job anymore or having to relocate or anything like that. I want to know where I'll be 2 months from now and that I'll have the money to eat. I can't remember if I talked about my vision for my life or not, but I think I did. Anyway, it includes getting this job, staying in Rennes, taking my friend Julie's apartment, having a French boyfriend, and possibly a cat.

On a kind of similar topic, some drunk stranger told me on Thursday night that I would have my first child, a daughter, at 35 or 36. That sounds about right. Though that first time mother business seems a little rough from all that I hear from people. Still, I want that for myself eventually, and 35 sounds like a good age. It gives me some more time with some stability but not yet totally locked in for life. Ahh, lovely!

Thankful

I am actually thankful to not be in Austin during SXSW and St. Patrick's Day madness. I really am not a big fan of SXSW since I'm not a music person. For me, it just meant that there was more traffic, lots of people who were too cool for school, and no parking downtown.

I had a lovely taco night with Julie and Nako. We used the taco seasoning Kristin was nice enough to send me and made tacos with ground beef, red beans (no pinto beans here), corn and flour tortillas (which were are not as good as in Texas, but you work with what you've got), tomatoes, lettuce, cheese, avocado, and sour cream. Delicious. We had the Breton version of tortillas for dessert...crêpes! That's why I love France.

I had a job interview with the private business school in Rennes. As always, there were a few more things I could have said, but it lasted an hour and a half, so I think that's a good sign. The woman did a lot of talking. Turns out the women I met with in December (who is the one who told me to forward my résumé) is the head of the department and would be my boss, so I guess it's good that she liked me enough to tell me to send my resume on to the HR Manager. The job would be working managing the exchange agreements between the school and partner schools abroad. I think that would be a nice mix of business and academic settings. It would be a permanent contract starting this summer, and they could sponsor me for a visa. Perfect for me.

Unfortunately, I was missing a few of the skills they were looking for (advanced knowledge of Excel and Word and previous experience negotiating contracts...though I stressed I'd done some negotiating with vendors and unofficial negotiation with students), so we'll see. I probably won't know anything more for another 3 to 6 weeks. She said she had 6 candidates to interview, and I was the first.

Fingers crossed.

Oops!

I made a conscious decision to not write everyday, but I didn't realize a whole week had passed. I'm aiming to write twice a week at least. That seems like enough to keep everyone updated without being overwhelming for anyone.

I had a very nice week. I actually had stuff to do every night, which is a nice feeling. I still haven't really made much advancement on the schoolwork, but at least I'm happy. I had classes all day everyday except Monday last week and pretty much the same thing this week. I also made a concentrated effort to exercise 3 times last week on top of a couple heavy walking days. That always makes me feel better. I went for a jog today too. My goal is to be back to running 30 minutes without stopping by May 7th. I need to make sure I do lots of stretches and strengthening stuff so that my knee won't keep me from reaching my goal. Jesse has started running and is kind of doing it with me, which is also good motivation.

In addition to school and exercise last week, I finally talked to my brother on the phone after 2 1/2 months of limited e-mails and no phone calls. It was so nice to get caught up with him. It sounds like he's doing well, and that is very nice to know.

I had a tiny little bit of homesickness this week. I can't imagine not living in France right now, and I really want to stay, but it's weird to think about not seeing my friends and family at home for such long periods of time. So, is life I suppose. I'd love to have my cake and eat it to, but alas, a choice has to be made.

I also thought about my dad this week...in a good way. I have found several theatre people on Facebook and just found another one that I really liked when I was a kid. I was thinking about how he taught me to be open to people. I mean, he was very social and talked to all different kinds of people all the time. I have to think that some of my love of talking to strangers and appreciation of different people comes from that.

Ok, I think there was more, but I'm going to go get to stretching and strengthening and then try to get to bed. At some point I'm going to HAVE to be productive. Those damn papers just refuse to write themselves!

I have a new nickname...

and I'm really excited about it. I have had very few nicknames over the years and generally don't like them. My all time least favorite is Cathy. I've calmed down as I've gotten older, but when I was a kid, I would actually correct people and tell them that wasn't my name. I find it kind of presumptuous to just give someone a nickname without asking what they think about it. The exceptions to the nickname dislike are Catareene (this is what my brother calls me and sometimes get modified to all kinds of things), Cath (I accept that one but still prefer Catherine), CJ (Annette started that one and people at work started calling me that too sometimes. I like that one ok), and now Cathou (which with the French pronunciation sounds like kazoo but with a T).

Perhaps the best part of the nickname is that it makes me feel more like a part of Julie's friends. I spend most of the day with them yesterday, and it was a lot of fun. The down side of drinking wine all day and night is that I was not productive at all today. This seems to be a common theme lately. I really am looking forward to having a regular schedule again. I am not seeming to be self-disciplined enough to handle setting my own schedule.

Lovely Day

I am having a lovely day, and it's only 5 o'clock. So much time left for wonderfulness. I woke up relatively early this morning and did a load of laundry. I cleaned my room a little too. I meant to make it to the store but didn't quite have time. I'll have to go to the smaller, more expensive one tomorrow, mais c'est pas grave.

Then I went to meet Julie at the outdoor market. When I left it was super sunny with beautiful blue skies, so I went out without my jacket for the 2nd time in 2 weeks(prior to that, I hadn't gone out without a jacket and/or several layers of sweaters since October). We bought some vegetables for a soup we're going to make together and then sat outside at a cafe and ate bread and cheese with her friends and drank wine and talked. I love Julie, and I love her friends. I'm so thankful to know them and be included when they hang out. Seriously, this is why I live in France.

It ended up getting a little cloudy and chilly, and a jacket could have definitely come in handy, but still, spring is on its way. We're already getting much longer days; they're currently about 3 hours longer than they were in mid-December. How exciting! Well, in Brittany, spring is kind of like winter in Texas, but after so much time of grey and cold, I consider highs in the upper 50s and low 60s to be warm. What happened to me?

On my way home, I stopped to say hello to one of the homeless people I see when I do my volunteer work. He insisted that I sit and talk, so I sat with him for a bit. He alternated between saying he wanted to get an apartment and get out of the street and saying he preferred his life as it is because he gets to see and talk to people all the time. He introduced me to someone else who stopped by to say hello as his good friend. In fairness, I don't think he actually knows my name, but I still really appreciated it. It almost made me cry. He's my mom's age but seems older. I suppose that happens when you're homeless for that long and drink that much wine everyday.

In just a little bit, I'm going with Julie to one of her friends house to have apple pie and ice cream, followed by more drinks I'm sure. Hanging out with them may not be so great for the diet, but if given the choice between being skinny and alone in my room or fat and surrounded by good people, I'll choose fat every time.

I should know better...

I told myself last night to write before I went out because I always have good intentions of coming home early but never do. Ahhh, the student life.

I don't know if it's because of all the sleeping I did earlier this week, but after going out last night, I couldn't go to sleep even after I got in bed, so it was 3 when I finally feel asleep, and then for some unknown reason, I woke up at 7. I was wide awake. I lied in bed for an hour, but then I got up. When I wanted to sleep all the time, I told myself that's what my body wanted and obeyed. When it didn't want to sleep, I figured I should listen to that too. Anyway, all of that to say that I am tired and aiming to be in bed really soon.

Class this morning was lame, which was amplified by the fact that I was tired. The teacher is nice and even funny sometimes but a little strange and not especially interesting. I guess after a while I just started enjoying watching him like you watch a TV, so it wasn't so bad. Class this afternoon was great. I love the teacher. I want her to be my friend outside of class. She's funny and smart and sassy and British. One of the best teachers we've had this year. I do like what I'm learning for the most part, but I am more than ready to be done with school. I'm just trying to go with it because there is really no other option. I still love being in France, and school is what got me here. It reminds me of a little song some of you might remember. It goes like this:

You take the good, you take the bad,

you take them both and there you have

The Facts of Life, The Facts of Life

Sleepy

I slept a ton today and didn't go to the gym as planned, nor did I even go to class. I'm really having a motivation issue, and it's almost worrying me. I'm having a hard time making myself get work done or get out of the house. I'm trying to remind myself that it's ok and that everything will be ok. I've just felt on the borderline of a funk off and on for a couple months. I know things will get better; I'm just afraid of settling in to complacency. I have to at least make it through this semester. Failure is not an option.

What?

I noticed a warning on my Kleenex package today that says:

"It is a violation of Federal law to use this product in a manner inconsistent with its labeling. Use only as a facial tissue."

Umm, apparently it's an anti-viral tissue that kills cold germs, but still, what use could it have other than a facial tissue? I mean, what alternative could be so serious that it necessitates a Federal law? Really, I've been thinking about it today, but I've come up with nothing.

I went to class this morning and then took a nearly 4 hour nap. I still haven't started the paper I was supposed to start in January. I really need to start soon or it will become a problem.

I've been meaning to talk for a while about how it's a little strange to be an American abroad. I told someone recently that it was kind of like being a celebrity. Everyone hears about you on TV, so they think they know you. People think they know a lot about the US because they hear all about our news, watch our TV shows and movies, listen to our music, and are just generally bombarded by American things. The problem is that all those things don't sum up a whole country and all its people. Seriously, I know there must be others like the cast members of Jersey Shore, but they don't represent me or my friends even a little bit. In fact, I've never seen a TV show or movie that I thought represented me or my friends. Wait. I take that back. There was a little bit of me and Jesse in Will and Grace. Furthermore, 90% of the time, just saying I'm from Texas automatically makes me more interesting. A Texan who speaks French well is sometimes more than they can get their heads around.

In the same vein, people tell me that I'm less American than other Americans. I don't really know what that means. I guess on one hand, I feel like a pretty global citizen, but on the other, I feel pretty American. I think most of my friends are like me. Then again, I am pretty special :-)

Great week

I took a week off from blogging while Kristin was here. It was good to see her and to laugh so much. It's kind of amazing because whenever we hang out, it's so much fun...never boring, even when we're just hanging out at the house. We ate and ate and ate and drank and drank and drank. I gained several pounds back, but it was worth it. That being said, I'm looking forward to getting back to normal living. February was kind of a crazy month in general. I'm thinking March might need to be a little calmer.

We finally got our grades back today. I passed everything. I'm actually second in the class, and my friend is first. She's really awesome all around. I like her a lot and am regularly impressed with her. She is only 23, but I don't really notice the age difference. She also seems to have found a balance. I admire her. She is first in the class, finds time for friends, does yoga and swims, drinks a few times a week, is funny, and supportive. All-around awesome! This weekend, she took me and Kristin to her parents' beach apartment in Dinard. We went to a crêperie for lunch and then ate raclette for dinner. I even got to watch a current Grey's Anatomy episode. We talked and ate and drank wine.

I had more to say after that long of an absence, but as per usual, it's late, so I'm signing off. Maybe tomorrow I'll be able to better organize my time and thoughts.

Ughh!

I feel kind of crappy. Physically, mentally, the whole bit. I overate again today and didn't do as much exercise as I had intended. I also feel super tired. I've slept a ton in the last 2 days, and I think I'm going back to bed after only having been up for 13 hours. My throat also feels a little scratchy, but I am going to do a whole lot of focusing on not getting sick because Kristin will be here in less than 14 hours, and I want to be in top shape when she gets here. Yay!

Off the wagon

I feel like I've fallen off the wagon a little bit. I'm still not smoking, but I'm not going to the gym, or exercising in general, as much as I'd like to. I also fell off the diet wagon in the last couple days. My sleep schedule is still all out of whack, and I'm not especially being motivated to do any of the work I should be doing. March may bring some new resolutions to get myself back on track.

The Pickle Did It!

It got more fans on Facebook than Nickelback. Isn't that exciting?

I missed my daily blog yesterday because I went out and got home too late. I should know better. I should before I go out, or it's not going to happen. The short version, I went out with the 19 and 20 year olds in my dorm again. Stayed up too late but still made it to class. I'm starting to accept the whole "reliving my college years" thing and am really getting good at it.

I feel like I had things I wanted to write about, but I'm not actually in the mood right now. I know there was definitely something about being an American abroad and loving people, but I feel too tired to really go into it. Maybe sometime soon.

It blows my mind.

You know, this sounds obvious, but it's really easy to forget. We are all so incredibly different. My vision of the world is not the same as anyone else's. I see things with my own blinders and judgments and prejudices shaped by previous experiences. Yet, it's easy to assume that everyone else thinks like I do. Throw in cultural differences, and it's almost a miracle anyone survives abroad. It blows my mind. That being said, I thrive on this kind of exchange because what better way to grow than to see a different perspective.

We had a lecture about leadership today from an American that was all full of ideas about creating a vision, bringing people with you, sending out energy from your heart and mind, and other hippy ideas, and of course, I got all inspired again. Even more so, I was talking with him after about what he did and if there were an international training branch, and he said he knew some people that did some organizational development kind of training in France and to send him an e-mail. Holy crap! Can you imagine if that worked out? It would be everything I wanted!!! Working in companies (the business aspect that I like), helping people achieve their goals and become happier human beings (which I also really want to do), and doing it in France (have I mentioned lately I want to stay here?).

I'm giddy...

over a pair of shoes!!! And I haven't even seen them in person yet! I ordered a pair of flat boots online. I spent more money than I maybe should have considering my lack of employment, but I fell in love with them right away. They were initially nearly 200 bucks, and I was trying to figure out how I could justify buying something that expensive but just couldn't. I kept looking at other boots on the same website, but when looking at another website, I found the ones I wanted on sale for $100. I also got a pair of wedges. Kristin is bringing them to me, but I shipped them to Annette who has verified that they are indeed awesome purchases. If they don't fit, I'm pretty sure I'll cry...or cut off my toes. I don't really need them, do I?

I think the fact that I can't find women's shoes in my size here fueled this whole episode. It's a weird feeling. I mean, I want to stay here, but if I do, I'll only be able to buy shoes when I visit home or when a friend comes here. Or I suppose if I go to Germany or England, but that seems like a long way to go.

I had a very nice day. I had lunch with my friend Michelle, then went for a very long walk, went to the gym, and came home and sent a bunch of e-mail. Still no schoolwork, per se. I'm afraid this is going to bite me in the ass soon. Oh well, I'm enjoying it for now.

I'm about to start counting the hours until Kristin gets here...

I have a sleeping problem

It's amazing what not having a regular schedule can do to mess up your sleep habits. Throw in a couple late nights here and there, and the next thing you know, you're never in bed or up early. I actually want to go to the gym tomorrow morning, so I'm going to try to make this quick.

First, I don't think I talked nearly enough about how much fun I had this weekend. Really, it was great. Saturday night, there were 13 people at the dinner party I went to, and everyone seemed so nice. I love French dinner parties. And 10 of the people were couples, so it was nice to see all of that love going on too. Plus, there was one British guy who was hysterical. I wheezed and kicked my feet and stuff in a way that I don't think I have since I was home at Christmas. The last time I remember laughing that hard was when Jesse did his dog show prance impression. You had to be there.

I had an interesting tournée de rue this evening (my volunteer work). We first talked to an older man who was very honest about having problems with alcohol and was very nice and gave us part of some mini pastries someone had given him (as a side note, I don't eat NEARLY enough French pastries). Then we saw a group of young people who were drinking beer and ready to come to the aid of a dog who they deemed to be neglected by its owner. Then we met a Lithuanian artist who painted and did tattoos. He had spent the last 2 years traveling around Europe and seemed to like France. Neither his English nor his French was that great, so some things weren't 100% clear.

Afterward, we spent time with a younger guy that is always in the same place. He is "contre" as they say in French. He just seems against everything. Apparently, he isn't always so negative, but the last few times I've seen him, that has been the case. He has quite the set up- mattress, blankets, food, clothes, iPod, he reads, has his own sugar for his tea. He seems like an interesting character. I would guess he's in his mid-20's. I don't think he drinks, but he smokes a lot of pot. He's mad at French society and how driven it is by money, but when I proposed he go live on a commune of some sort, he didn't like that idea so much. He said he'd be isolated from everyone else and would only find ugly, fat, hairy women and sheep to have sex with. Ok.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Crap! I meant to pamper myself this Valentine's Day, but unfortunately, my OCD had other plans. I spent WAY too many hours looking at shoes online, but I may have finally found a pair of flat boots. I'll keep you posted. Other than that, I did go for a walk and wrote myself a love letter. That was kind of fun. Really, instead of pampering myself, my day was all about doing all the things you can do more easily while single. I spent hours on the computer. I cut my toe nails. I didn't shower. I pretty much just stayed in my pajamas. I wore ugly underwear. I didn't actually "cook" anything today. I wish I had been a little gassy, just to get the 100% full experience of enjoying my bachelorette lifestyle.

Oh, I talked to my mom on Skype today too. That was pretty exciting. There was a 5 second delay, but other than that, it was great. She carried the computer to the kitchen with her at one point. It was almost like being home.

Lovely Day Part 2

Yet another lovely day. I have been an expert in spending an enjoyable day doing a whole lot of nothing lately. I slept in, played on the computer, went to the store, went for a walk, and then had dinner at my friend Michelle's house for her partner's birthday. I went a little crazy on chocolate and sugar today...oops, that diet was going so well...but other than that, thus far, it has been a fantastic weekend- the kind that reminds me why I moved to France in the first place. Hooray!

Lovely Day

While my paper writing and job hunting are not exactly moving forward, everything else today was lovely. I slept in, ate breakfast, took a long shower, ate lunch, and then went and met a friend for coffee. It was a girl who was a student in one of my English classes in Lannion, and she came to the English hour every week. We're friends on Facebook, but I hadn't seen her since I left Lannion nearly 6 years ago. I really, really enjoyed seeing her and talking to her. She talked about her experiences with couch surfing and her desire to go abroad and do humanitarian work. What a lovely way to spend a couple hours!

I came home, ate, and then went to a Salsa dance thing. I made a small error in wearing pointy-toed, high heel boots (it felt like a huge error when I was walking home and wasn't sure I was going to make it, but now that they've been off for an hour, it doesn't seem quite as bad), but other than that, I had a great time. I went to see one of the girls in my dorm perform. She has continued taking the Salsa class I stopped going to in October. It's amazing the progress everyone has made. I still suck at Salsa. I love to dance, but I just can't find the rhythm with that one.

Anyway, because I went by myself and she was often off dancing, people actually asked me to dance while I was standing around alone. I danced with 6 different men. Most didn't ask for a second dance thanks to my poor Salsa skills, but I still was flattered that they'd ask in the first place and had an awesome time. Actually, an older Portuguese man who didn't really speak French danced with me lots and tried to get me to go to the after party, but I declined. I also talked quite a bit to a lady who may have been somewhat intoxicated and was dancing by herself however she wanted to, which naturally drew me to her. We actually managed to have quite the heart to heart. God, I love talking to strangers! I think I may have talked her into having a little more hope for humanity. Man, it's true...sometimes just BEING is enough.

Self-Proclaimed Snow Day

I woke up to snow on the ground this morning, decided to proclaim it a snow day, and went back to bed. My French teacher lives outside of the city, and only one bus in the whole city was circulating at that point, so I think it was a safe bet that the roads weren't good and she didn't make it either. There's still snow on the ground in some places.

I mostly didn't leave the house other than to go to the gym. I'm enjoying exercising a little more again, but the classes at the gym are no boot camp. It's easier, and the lady is nice enough but not especially motivational. Furthermore, in the month I've been going, it has been the same class every time. I wonder if it ever changes. I actually forced myself to use the elliptical machine the other day. I can't say I enjoyed it, but it got my heart rate up and made me sweat without making my knee hurt, so I may have to make friends with it.

Kristin will be here really soon, and I am EXCITED! I've already started planning some stuff. There is a fair amount of eating and drinking involved, and I'm sure there will be some generally good times. I mean, Kristin will be here! Buttercup!!!! Soodie gets here in exactly 2 months. Also very exciting. And, there is rumor that Annette might make it eventually. Good stuff.

Ah Ha Moment

I just had an ah ha moment. I just realized that I am a success story. Let me explain.

As those who know me well are probably aware, my weight is probably the thing that I'm most sensitive about. It's the thing I obsess over the most (though the obsession list is not limited to that), and one of the factors that can most influence my mood. I have the "Fat Kid Syndrome," and as much weight as I've lost (and gained and lost), I've still considered myself a failure because I'm not at my goal weight.

I've told myself that I've done better than the 80% of people who have lost weight. I've told myself that I should be proud to have maintained at least a 65-70 pound weight loss through all my ups and downs. I've told myself that even the Biggest Loser competitors have gained weight back, and they had all kinds of professional resources. But all the things I've told myself have, in my mind, been like consolation for a loser. It was just a way to try to comfort myself over my failure, like saying, "At least I didn't come in last place."

Then today I was writing an e-mail about how I used to be inspired by the Richard Simmons infomercials and how those people had the guts to finally say enough is enough and do something. I suddenly realized that I WAS one of those people. It should have been clear before, but it just wasn't. I may not be at my goal weight. I may have gone up and down, but I have never stopped fighting. I have made real and lasting changes. I will never again be the girl who eats fast food almost every day. I will never again be the girl who doesn't make an effort to move on a regular basis. I will never again have a hard time fitting into an airplane seat. I may not win every battle, but I will win the war. When I fall, I will get back up again. I AM a success story. Thank God. One less thing to worry about.

I really liked some of the weight loss success stories I read today. I've included the link for one of them. One of parts I liked the most was the response to question 9.

http://caloriecount.about.com/power-within-oneself-b324938

I love Free Will Astrology!

I've talked about that briefly here, but I mean it. As I think I said, if nothing else, it always gives something to think about. The actual horoscope for this week was just ok, but it was a good reminder to not take things too seriously. What I found more amusing was the "spiritual dating ads" that I stumbled upon. Before I post them here, let me preface this by saying that I have been in a kind of hippy, love mood lately. I actually prefer being in those kinds of moods because they make me feel better than stressed and negative moods (which seems pretty obvious, doesn't it?). Some day, I think it's a real possibility that I'll end up carrying crystals and hugging strangers...some day sooner than we might think. In related news, I think that eventually, I really will have to work for women's rights. I was reading about mercy killings, and I just can't handle it. But I digress. Here are my two favorite ads from Free Will Astrology, the ones that speak to me the most right now:

MY EYES REMIND YOU WHERE YOU CAME FROM
Uncork me, angel. Unfurl me. Release me and restore me and unleash me. Not because I can't do it myself. Not because I'm just another narcissism-addict jonesing for a quick fix. On the contrary. I'm the most self-­sufficient self-starter I've ever met. It's from my position of strength that I aspire to whip up spectacular synergies in tandem with your holy rolling reverberations. So keep in mind that I'm here to uncork you and unfurl you and release you and restore you and unleash you, too. That's the art of the game that stretches out before us in all directions. That's the beauty of the gritty reality that's disguised as a glittery fantasy. As you bless my risks and massage my unconsciousness and save my soul, I'll always vice your versa. P.S. My last fortune cookie said, "You need nothing and want everything."
_________________________________________________

POLYAMOROUS MONOGAMY
You might say I'm catagoraphobic. I hate getting stuffed into pigeonholes. I run the other way when people try to tell me who I am. So don't try to figure me out. Just enjoy me. Or maybe I should say just enjoy us. There are so many different facets to my personality that monogamy with me will feel like a promiscuous feast to you. I'm a socialist libertarian and a pacifist warrior. I'm an atheistic lover of many gods, a streetwise thaumaturge with stuffed animals on my Qabalistic altar, and a humble megalomaniac who loves to perform missions of mercy. Always both and yet neither. And what about you? Just to let you know, I love architects who moonlight as smugglers of illegal flowers. I respect vegetarians who sneak pork chops now and then. I admire ex-druggies who get sober with the same fanaticism they once devoted to their addictions. Get the picture? My spirit thrives when nothing and no one are exactly what they seem. Here's the key to our happiness: As long as we give up our control fantasies, we'll always get what we want.

In more routine news, I had a good day today. I woke up to sunshine, went to class (which was boring but not painful), ate lunch, tutored English, had tea with a friend, got snowed on, went to a meeting for my volunteer work stuff, and did some homework. That's the kind of day I like! I have to say I am a little tired of the cold at this point, but I am super excited that the days are getting longer. We have 10 hours between sunrise and sunset as of tomorrow (visible light time is a little longer), which is worlds better than the 8 hours and 20 minutes we had in December. It makes a difference, it really does. We'll be over 10 1/2 hours by the time Kristin gets here in 12 days...that is a whole other incredibly exciting story that I'll save for tomorrow.

Things I like, things I don't

I went to the gym tonight. I liked that. I sometimes forget how good I feel after a good workout. It's amazing.

I did not make much progress on the résumé updating or just hunting or choosing a topic for my first paper. I don't like those things because I'm scared of them. Can someone please give me a swift kick in the pants and remind me to stop being a wuss and that I am 100 percent capable? I think I can. I think I can. I think I can...

I didn't have class today, which makes it even easier to not do much other than the gym and hang out some with my friends in the dorm. Like I said, I just need to get past the fear part and do it. It's never as scary as I think it's going to be. Ok, off to do some reading for class and get some sleep.

Valentine's Day Date

I'm planning a Valentine's Day date...with myself. Any ideas? I'm thinking about going to a Buddhist Center open house/meditation type thing because I've been wanting to get more into that. Otherwise, I was thinking about taking myself to a movie or renting one. Maybe going for a jog and hanging out with some friends. For dinner, I was thinking semi-healthy, semi-indulgent with smoked salmon and avocado or cheese on rye crackers, perhaps a pastry for dessert, but not a pound of chocolate. It may be Valentine's Day, but I'm about 10 pounds down from New Year's and don't want to ruin my diet :)

In a related note, I sure am over being single at this moment. It comes in waves. Sometimes I'm pretty much ok with it. Sometimes I'm not. Seriously, I am coming up on 4 years without a serious relationship. I'm just reminding myself to have faith in the Universe's master plan and all that. I do truly believe that all things in my life will be well. It's just having the patience part that can be a little tricky.

Hmmm

After a very late night last night, I'm still thinking about whether or not I should start acting my age or maybe I should say more generally responsibly. Does it really matter? I'm not sure.

Letters to myself

Last night I came across my first journal and started reading. It's funny to read what I wrote at 13, 14, 15. Some things have changed so much, and some things have stayed the same. My New Year's Resolutions at 15 are almost the same as those I made at 30. It's even funnier to see that at 19 I already knew I needed to make my own experiences, which indirectly means I knew it was up to me to make my own happiness. It may have taken me a while to get there, but I still think that's pretty advanced thinking for a 19 year old.

I got to Skype again today, this time with Jesse. He didn't breastfeed or change any diapers, though. I did get to watch him eat some key lime pie that looked delicious. Other than that, I went to the grocery store, cleaned my room, and went for a long walk. I'm supposed to go out in a little bit. Hooray!

Talking to Jesse I realized that I'm not an "adult" anymore. Part of me kind of misses it. I still found time to have fun, but I liked having a job and responsibilities and a regular schedule. Part of me thinks I should take full advantage of the fact that I don't have all that right now. How many people get to relive their youth?

Skyping is fun!

I just had my second Skype conversation and have dates to have more this weekend. What a nice way to stay in touch with people! I got to see Jessica's baby on webcam and watched Jessica breastfeed and change her diaper. Good times!

Today was a super lazy day, but Wednesday and Thursday were highly productive, so that's good. Lists do help me to get things done. Tomorrow should be good too. In the morning, one of the girls in the dorm is filming an interview with me for a school project on gay marriage. There will definitely be some grocery store action in my future and possibly a trip to the market if I'm feeling really ambitious.

One thing I've been thinking about lately is the uncertainty of my near future. I've been saying I want to stay here, but as it becomes time to look for a job, reality sets in, and things start to seem a little scary. Looking for a job in general is kind of stressful for me and doing it in French even more so. I know I just need to do it, but it makes me nervous. And if I don't find a job here, where do I go? I'm not in full-on panic mode, but it is something that has been on my mind. Time has flown by, and I'm down to less than 4 months before my degree is over. Wow.

I thought I had something interesting to say...

but I was mistaken.

I do want to express my love for Free Will Astrology. Even if you don't believe in astrology, his horoscopes usually give me something to think about. Here's this weeks:

Last week was the anniversary of my very first weekly horoscope column, which appeared years ago in the Good Times, a newspaper in Santa Cruz, California. My initial effort was crude and a bit reckless compared to what I eventually learned to create. And yet it was imbued with a primal fervor and heartfelt adventurousness that had a certain charm, and many people seemed to find it useful. Today I bow down to that early effort, honoring it for the seed it sprouted and thanking it for the blessings it led to. I encourage you to do something similar to what I just described, Scorpio: Pay homage to the origins that made it possible for you to be who you have become.

Happy Groundhog Day!

I hope everyone had a good one. As for me, I tutored English, sent some e-mails, took a brief nap, and went to an exercise class. Unfortunately, the lady who leads it is back to her Grover-like ways. When she says "encore" (which means "again" in French), it kind of comes out like Grover from Sesame Street à la "Near and Far." She let's out some generally strange noises that I don't especially enjoy.

That's about it. I have a lot of free time on my hands but not so much motivation to do stuff. I'm gonna start making lists again. That helped me before.

My Doppelganger...

...is, apparently, a Québécoise named Linda...or so says Pierre, a homeless man I've met a couple times. In his drunken state, I think he actually believed that I might be lying to him and that I really WAS Linda. He mentioned something about me causing him a lot of problems in Barcelona and told me that I played the accordion. Fascinating. I should have asked him if she looks like Tori Spelling.

Today flew by, though, as always, I didn't feel like I did much. I got up and went to class, but it was canceled, so I ran some errands, came home, ate lunch, took a nap (which was supposed to be an hour and turned into 2...I'm going to have to ban naps because I am incapable of taking short ones, and they further mess up my sleeping schedule), and then went to volunteer.

First, I want to talk about lunch because it was fantastic. I made a bowl of lentils flavored with chicken bouillon and then added a little avocado and crème fraîche (like sour cream only better). It was freaking delicious. I've still been craving sweets, but I am starting to enjoy this diet business. I want to make something with sweet potatoes. I love sweet potatoes. And my mom gave me some money so I can afford meat and fresh vegetables. I only bought tofu and an avocado for now, but I'm looking forward to spending it on something delicious.

So, I volunteer a couple times a month taking hot drinks (coffee, tea, soup) to the homeless, but that is only a pretext to talk to them. I wasn't sure if I liked it at first, but I'm really starting to enjoy it. There are the "regulars" that we all know, and they like to talk. It has been good for me. Before, I was the person that avoided eye contact, uncomfortable and embarrassed for not giving money. But what they complain about most is not people who don't give, but rather those that don't say hi or those that tell them to get a job. They have problems (that go beyond just getting a job), but they are still humans. I know that sounds really obvious, but somehow along the way, I kind of forgot that. And I suspect that I'm not the only one.

I'm blaming nicotine withdrawal

My moodiness continues. Yesterday, I was great, and then my friend who I was supposed to go out with didn't feel like it, which wasn't really a big deal, but I didn't want to stay alone in my room anymore. I played cards with some of the kids in my dorm, but when we finished at 11 and I came back to my room, I was down again. Then I chatted with some friends online and was fine. Then I got woken up by a drunken phone call just as I was falling asleep at 2am and started thinking again and felt all funky and couldn't fall asleep until 4. Today I was fine all day.

I remembered today how truly miserable I was when I quit smoking before when I was about this far in. That's why I vowed I'd never start again, and at some point, I forgot. I'm putting it in writing now. Even though I wasn't smoking daily most of the last 9 months, this quitting business is miserable. I guess technically I don't know for a fact that's what it is, but I'm going to blame it on that because otherwise I just don't get it.

I didn't talk enough about the market yesterday. I love the market. It's one of the things that makes you want to live in France. I prefer going when I don't have anything specific to buy. There's a lot of activity and different stands with different prices, and that sometimes sends me into sensory overload when I'm looking for something specific. There are so many sights and sounds and smells. It's great!

Today I had coffee with my friend Norma. That was a nice little outing, and I got some laughs in, so that was good. Other than that, I did very little. I got a nice conversation in with my mom too. Anyway, it's nearing my bedtime, so I'm out.

Cold and Poor

I am cold and poor.

I actually left the house today...twice and still have plans to go out later...and when I went out the first time, it was sunny, but ice and snow was still on the ground in some places and on a few cars. With the sun, though, it wasn't so bad. While I was at the outdoor market, a blizzard hit. Ok, maybe not a blizzard, but snow and wind and freezing rain were involved. It only lasted for about 5-10 minutes, and then it went back to blue skies and sunshine. When I went back out later to go to the store, it was still sunny and fairly clear but cold. The current temperature is 33 degrees, and and the sun just went down. Brrrrr!!!! I was ok with this winter business at first, but I'm ready for spring now. I'm already wearing jeans and my warmest sweater. When I go out later, I'll be adding tights under my jeans and maybe a shirt under my sweater...plus the usual hat, scarf, and gloves. It's amazing what a difference those things can make.

I'm also poor. Meat here is really expensive, so when I went to the store earlier, I just bought canned tuna. Lots of rice, beans, lentils, and eggs in my future. I haven't totally made it to "broke as a joke student" status because I'm still buying some fruits and vegetables and haven't started eating pasta or Ramen just yet. In good news on this front, I gave my first English class/tutoring session last week. I think it will become a regular gig, and that will help....or at least perhaps allow me to eat in the month of June.

That being said, I'm going out tonight. In lieu of meat, I will be having beer. I can't stay in my room all the time, merde! I have a two pint limit, though, so even still, I won't be going crazy. I miss having a job. I always pretended like I didn't have a lot of money, which allowed me to save, but it was nice to be able to not worry so much. I hope to one day have money again :)

Super Lazy Day

I had the laziest day ever today. I forced myself to go to my test for French class, but other than that, I couldn't quite motivate myself to leave the house. I also took 2 naps. I had been sleep deprived, so maybe that's it. After my 2nd nap from 7-8ish, I ate dinner, hung out with some girls in the dorm, played on the computer, stretched, and then did a 30 minute mini workout.

I've been cranky off and on for the last week. I have several theories as to why that range from the weather to cigarette withdrawal and several things in between. I was just on the edge of falling into a funk when Darcy e-mailed me and asked a question about my commitments to myself. As many as I keep, there are several that I haven't. It was perfect timing, and just thinking about the question pulled me out of the funk. The short version of the answer I came up with: Yes, sometimes I should be "better" to myself and do the things that are healthy for my mind, body, productivity, life in general, but I'm also pretty bad ass. When I fall down, I won't beat myself up, but rather dust myself off and get back on the horse. I'm still alive so I get to go again, right?

The nice thing these days is that when I do get into a funk, it usually doesn't last long, and I also know that it will pass soon enough. That alone makes everything better.

Okay, it's late, and I actually do have plans to leave the house tomorrow, so I should get to bed.

Updates and stuff

So, I haven't totally succeeded in all my resolutions, but I've been working pretty well. I've lost 7 pounds, joined a gym, and haven't smoked in 4 weeks as of tomorrow. I could be doing better on the living in joy and not in fear part and working out a little more often, but I'm still pretty happy with what I've done so far.

I finished my finals and turned in all my papers. I got my first assignment for the 2nd semester last week. It's not due until the end of March, but I'm going to try to not procrastinate on this. Still, I'm taking at least until Monday off from even thinking about it. What we had was not SO difficult, but I'm just not used to it anymore. I'll make it through, but I'm glad this program is only a year.

We're supposed to get our grades back next week, and I can't wait. Getting grades is like Christmas for me when I was a kid. I get really impatient for the surprise. I mean, sometimes you get socks and underwear and sometimes you get a really awesome toy. Either way, the day you finally get to find out is great.

So, I've decided to start writing in this blog everyday for at least the next month. After that, we'll see. Some people have started asking for more frequent updates, but I'm finding it hard to remember to e-mail everyone. I still highly encourage my friends to send me e-mails to let me know what's going on with them, and I promise to respond, but this will give everyone an idea of what I'm up to...not that it's actually any more exciting than what I did at home, but everyone seems to think it is. I'd actually say it's less exciting. The idea is just to stay connected.

Let's take today, for example. I had big ambitions of going to the gym and jogging. Instead, I got up, played on the computer, and then decided to take a nap. Just after my nap, a French friend of an American friend who lives in Austin called and asked if I wanted to meet for coffee, so I did. Then I came home, ate dinner, and met another friend for drinks. That's it. The whole day: sleep, eat, computer, drinks with friends. It was a great day!

Late Breaking Resolution...

I kind of forgot something. It was included in my resolutions but not clearly stated. I was reading someone else's blog, and read this paragraph, which is what reminded me:

"When I reflect over this year, I realize that I intended to write a book, I intended to build my brand and visibility within the business world, I intended to launch a social networking campaign that would expand my national community... however, I don't know that I ever intended to experience Joy, Love, Freedom, Hope, Peace."

So, let's add a resultion to experience those last 5 things too. That's really the goal in life, in my opinion.

In related news, I want a Guru. I've been reading Eat Pray Love, and it talks about finding a Guru. The book is really good, though it kind of makes me feel like I might need to go spend several months in an Ashram in India too. Uh oh. That's kind of scary for me. I've always been afraid that I would end up a crystal-carrying hippy. For a moment after Breakthrough I put down that fear because I realized it was kind of stupid. Why would I sacrifice any kind of happiness for fear of what others might think? Why would I be so afraid of my life looking different than anything I could imagine? It currently looks different than I would have expected, and I'm fine with that. What if that were my destiny? I'm going to keep working on letting go of my preconceived notions of how things should be. After all, as my blog title says, the possibilities are endless...

New Year's Resolutions

Ok, I need to get serious again. I not only love order and rules, I need them. Without them, I spend all my time on the computer, get lazy, and eat everything I can get my hands on. So, in a never-ending effort for continual self-improvement, I'm making resolutions this year. I'm doing it publicly, so perhaps that will help me to be held accountable.

Before getting to that, however, I want to say that I had a great trip home. I enjoyed seeing everyone and getting to be there for my mom's wedding. I do have to admit that I went into sensory overload on a pretty regular basis, but it was still wonderful to get to spend some time with friends.

That being said, I was super happy to be back in Rennes. It really feels more like home to me right now, and as much as I hate my thin, plastic mattress that makes me sweat in my sleep, I was even thrilled to be reunited with it because that meant sleeping in my own bed. Other than sleeping too much and not getting enough done, it has been a lovely couple days back, especially last night and today.

For New Year's Eve, my friends Mia and Nako came over, and we ate lots of appetizer-type foods for dinner. Of course we got some wine and enjoyed my mom's cookies for dessert. My friend Aba stopped by and witnessed (but barely participated in) our mini dance party. Generally anytime Nako and I are together, there's going to be dancing. We then went downtown and saw an awesome fireworks display that was accompanied by acrobatic performances (hard to explain without making this MUCH longer than it already is), music, and fireballs. It was very artistic and cool. I took a video but can't figure out how to upload it. We then walked around for a bit and went to a party at a friend of a friend's house, where more drinking and dancing ensued. My old ass made it back home at about 5:30 in the morning and into bed at 7. Jetlag actually helped out for keeping me awake.

Today I got up late, lazed around for awhile, and then went for a walk (part of the resolutions). While out, I just happened to come across a really awesome light show at the same place where we spent New Year's Eve. It was so beautiful, it made me cry a little bit. I remember when I would have laughed at someone for that. The Ice Queen is no longer.

One final word on last night. I enjoyed walking around downtown while drinking champagne straight from the bottle. Coming from a city that does not allow for this kind of thing, I had no idea how much I liked it. Drinking in the streets on an occasion like New Year's Eve is a lot of fun.

Ok, the resolutions.

1. I will be good to myself. This includes several things:
a.) I'm quitting smoking for the final time. I have quit a million times, but really, enough is enough...ça suffit...basta! It's 2010...I'm 30...It's not healthy....Cigarettes cost over $8 a pack here...there are a thousand reasons to be truly done with this. I made it 4 months on my best attempt, so that shows me that I'm capable of living life without cigarettes. Just f-ing do it!
b.) I'm back on the diet wagon again. I thought I was going to be brave enough to post my weight, but I'm just not today. Anyway, let's just say that I have 45-50 pounds to lose and weigh more now than I have in about 6 years. Yikes. I am vowing to lose those pounds by this time next year. Feel free to call me on that.
c.) I'm also getting back on the exercise wagon. For now, that just means a few push-ups and sit-ups every day, more walking, and a little jogging, as long as the knee holds up. Without boot camp, my motivation went down the toilet. But I feel weak and have less energy and stamina and yackity schmackity. Anywho, for now, I'll start with baby steps.
d.)I'm getting back on the happy train. I fell off Cloud 9 a little lately, but as I told someone recently, I really do believe that happiness is always a decision away. So, I'll remember what I learned in Breakthrough and read in the Power of Now and the Four Agreements. I'll keep working on happiness...I was going to say looking for it, but it isn't lost. It's always there.

2. I will be good to others- with all that taking care of myself, it's important for me to remember to give to others as well. Giving can mean a lot of things, but I sometimes find myself afraid to do it. Lately, I've preferred being alone in my room and have, at times, deliberately avoided talking to people. That's not good and not the person I want to be. So, if there's anything I can do for you, let me know, and if you see me acting in a non-giving way, please feel free to call me on that too.

3. I will do more things that I'm afraid of. The current list includes:
a.) I will turn in my CAF paperwork (for housing aid, but I have to write a letter in French, and that makes me nervous).
b.) I'll say what I'm thinking more often even if I risk looking stupid or having someone think I'm weird. I tried it out last night, actually. One of the friends of a friend was this women that was perhaps the most beautiful women I'd ever seen, not TV beautiful, but sweet, glowing beautiful. Ok, fine, I kind of pussed out and semi-awkwardly just told her that she was very pretty, but it was a start. And, really, telling someone you've just met that you think she's the most beautiful women you've ever laid eyes on really has potential to make someone feel uncomfortable rather than flattered :)
c.) I'll talk more to strangers. This one is sometimes hard for me in the US if the stranger doesn't initiate the conversation and is especially hard in French. I still find myself to be kind of awkward in French. I often just don't know what to say. This leads me to sometimes avoid conversations with people that I know but not that well, and that's really not good. I think I should talk more to handsome strangers, too. There are a lot of them around, and I never speak to them, even when I want to.
d.) I'll apply for jobs, both part-time for now and full-time for after school. It needs to happen. I want to be able to eat in the Spring (though starvation is a great way ot lose weight) and stay in France after this school year.
e.) Fine, if you're still reading this, I'll tell you my weight because I'm afraid of it and saying it means working on one of my resolutions: 207 lbs. Ouch.
f.) I'll just write my stupid papers instead of worrying about them. Between the fact that I've just put my weight in a public place and the knowledge that after finishing this, I have to get to work, I could hyperventilate. Ooooohhhhhhh, breath through the fear!!!