My moodiness continues. Yesterday, I was great, and then my friend who I was supposed to go out with didn't feel like it, which wasn't really a big deal, but I didn't want to stay alone in my room anymore. I played cards with some of the kids in my dorm, but when we finished at 11 and I came back to my room, I was down again. Then I chatted with some friends online and was fine. Then I got woken up by a drunken phone call just as I was falling asleep at 2am and started thinking again and felt all funky and couldn't fall asleep until 4. Today I was fine all day.
I remembered today how truly miserable I was when I quit smoking before when I was about this far in. That's why I vowed I'd never start again, and at some point, I forgot. I'm putting it in writing now. Even though I wasn't smoking daily most of the last 9 months, this quitting business is miserable. I guess technically I don't know for a fact that's what it is, but I'm going to blame it on that because otherwise I just don't get it.
I didn't talk enough about the market yesterday. I love the market. It's one of the things that makes you want to live in France. I prefer going when I don't have anything specific to buy. There's a lot of activity and different stands with different prices, and that sometimes sends me into sensory overload when I'm looking for something specific. There are so many sights and sounds and smells. It's great!
Today I had coffee with my friend Norma. That was a nice little outing, and I got some laughs in, so that was good. Other than that, I did very little. I got a nice conversation in with my mom too. Anyway, it's nearing my bedtime, so I'm out.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Cold and Poor
I am cold and poor.
I actually left the house today...twice and still have plans to go out later...and when I went out the first time, it was sunny, but ice and snow was still on the ground in some places and on a few cars. With the sun, though, it wasn't so bad. While I was at the outdoor market, a blizzard hit. Ok, maybe not a blizzard, but snow and wind and freezing rain were involved. It only lasted for about 5-10 minutes, and then it went back to blue skies and sunshine. When I went back out later to go to the store, it was still sunny and fairly clear but cold. The current temperature is 33 degrees, and and the sun just went down. Brrrrr!!!! I was ok with this winter business at first, but I'm ready for spring now. I'm already wearing jeans and my warmest sweater. When I go out later, I'll be adding tights under my jeans and maybe a shirt under my sweater...plus the usual hat, scarf, and gloves. It's amazing what a difference those things can make.
I'm also poor. Meat here is really expensive, so when I went to the store earlier, I just bought canned tuna. Lots of rice, beans, lentils, and eggs in my future. I haven't totally made it to "broke as a joke student" status because I'm still buying some fruits and vegetables and haven't started eating pasta or Ramen just yet. In good news on this front, I gave my first English class/tutoring session last week. I think it will become a regular gig, and that will help....or at least perhaps allow me to eat in the month of June.
That being said, I'm going out tonight. In lieu of meat, I will be having beer. I can't stay in my room all the time, merde! I have a two pint limit, though, so even still, I won't be going crazy. I miss having a job. I always pretended like I didn't have a lot of money, which allowed me to save, but it was nice to be able to not worry so much. I hope to one day have money again :)
I actually left the house today...twice and still have plans to go out later...and when I went out the first time, it was sunny, but ice and snow was still on the ground in some places and on a few cars. With the sun, though, it wasn't so bad. While I was at the outdoor market, a blizzard hit. Ok, maybe not a blizzard, but snow and wind and freezing rain were involved. It only lasted for about 5-10 minutes, and then it went back to blue skies and sunshine. When I went back out later to go to the store, it was still sunny and fairly clear but cold. The current temperature is 33 degrees, and and the sun just went down. Brrrrr!!!! I was ok with this winter business at first, but I'm ready for spring now. I'm already wearing jeans and my warmest sweater. When I go out later, I'll be adding tights under my jeans and maybe a shirt under my sweater...plus the usual hat, scarf, and gloves. It's amazing what a difference those things can make.
I'm also poor. Meat here is really expensive, so when I went to the store earlier, I just bought canned tuna. Lots of rice, beans, lentils, and eggs in my future. I haven't totally made it to "broke as a joke student" status because I'm still buying some fruits and vegetables and haven't started eating pasta or Ramen just yet. In good news on this front, I gave my first English class/tutoring session last week. I think it will become a regular gig, and that will help....or at least perhaps allow me to eat in the month of June.
That being said, I'm going out tonight. In lieu of meat, I will be having beer. I can't stay in my room all the time, merde! I have a two pint limit, though, so even still, I won't be going crazy. I miss having a job. I always pretended like I didn't have a lot of money, which allowed me to save, but it was nice to be able to not worry so much. I hope to one day have money again :)
Super Lazy Day
I had the laziest day ever today. I forced myself to go to my test for French class, but other than that, I couldn't quite motivate myself to leave the house. I also took 2 naps. I had been sleep deprived, so maybe that's it. After my 2nd nap from 7-8ish, I ate dinner, hung out with some girls in the dorm, played on the computer, stretched, and then did a 30 minute mini workout.
I've been cranky off and on for the last week. I have several theories as to why that range from the weather to cigarette withdrawal and several things in between. I was just on the edge of falling into a funk when Darcy e-mailed me and asked a question about my commitments to myself. As many as I keep, there are several that I haven't. It was perfect timing, and just thinking about the question pulled me out of the funk. The short version of the answer I came up with: Yes, sometimes I should be "better" to myself and do the things that are healthy for my mind, body, productivity, life in general, but I'm also pretty bad ass. When I fall down, I won't beat myself up, but rather dust myself off and get back on the horse. I'm still alive so I get to go again, right?
The nice thing these days is that when I do get into a funk, it usually doesn't last long, and I also know that it will pass soon enough. That alone makes everything better.
Okay, it's late, and I actually do have plans to leave the house tomorrow, so I should get to bed.
I've been cranky off and on for the last week. I have several theories as to why that range from the weather to cigarette withdrawal and several things in between. I was just on the edge of falling into a funk when Darcy e-mailed me and asked a question about my commitments to myself. As many as I keep, there are several that I haven't. It was perfect timing, and just thinking about the question pulled me out of the funk. The short version of the answer I came up with: Yes, sometimes I should be "better" to myself and do the things that are healthy for my mind, body, productivity, life in general, but I'm also pretty bad ass. When I fall down, I won't beat myself up, but rather dust myself off and get back on the horse. I'm still alive so I get to go again, right?
The nice thing these days is that when I do get into a funk, it usually doesn't last long, and I also know that it will pass soon enough. That alone makes everything better.
Okay, it's late, and I actually do have plans to leave the house tomorrow, so I should get to bed.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Updates and stuff
So, I haven't totally succeeded in all my resolutions, but I've been working pretty well. I've lost 7 pounds, joined a gym, and haven't smoked in 4 weeks as of tomorrow. I could be doing better on the living in joy and not in fear part and working out a little more often, but I'm still pretty happy with what I've done so far.
I finished my finals and turned in all my papers. I got my first assignment for the 2nd semester last week. It's not due until the end of March, but I'm going to try to not procrastinate on this. Still, I'm taking at least until Monday off from even thinking about it. What we had was not SO difficult, but I'm just not used to it anymore. I'll make it through, but I'm glad this program is only a year.
We're supposed to get our grades back next week, and I can't wait. Getting grades is like Christmas for me when I was a kid. I get really impatient for the surprise. I mean, sometimes you get socks and underwear and sometimes you get a really awesome toy. Either way, the day you finally get to find out is great.
So, I've decided to start writing in this blog everyday for at least the next month. After that, we'll see. Some people have started asking for more frequent updates, but I'm finding it hard to remember to e-mail everyone. I still highly encourage my friends to send me e-mails to let me know what's going on with them, and I promise to respond, but this will give everyone an idea of what I'm up to...not that it's actually any more exciting than what I did at home, but everyone seems to think it is. I'd actually say it's less exciting. The idea is just to stay connected.
Let's take today, for example. I had big ambitions of going to the gym and jogging. Instead, I got up, played on the computer, and then decided to take a nap. Just after my nap, a French friend of an American friend who lives in Austin called and asked if I wanted to meet for coffee, so I did. Then I came home, ate dinner, and met another friend for drinks. That's it. The whole day: sleep, eat, computer, drinks with friends. It was a great day!
I finished my finals and turned in all my papers. I got my first assignment for the 2nd semester last week. It's not due until the end of March, but I'm going to try to not procrastinate on this. Still, I'm taking at least until Monday off from even thinking about it. What we had was not SO difficult, but I'm just not used to it anymore. I'll make it through, but I'm glad this program is only a year.
We're supposed to get our grades back next week, and I can't wait. Getting grades is like Christmas for me when I was a kid. I get really impatient for the surprise. I mean, sometimes you get socks and underwear and sometimes you get a really awesome toy. Either way, the day you finally get to find out is great.
So, I've decided to start writing in this blog everyday for at least the next month. After that, we'll see. Some people have started asking for more frequent updates, but I'm finding it hard to remember to e-mail everyone. I still highly encourage my friends to send me e-mails to let me know what's going on with them, and I promise to respond, but this will give everyone an idea of what I'm up to...not that it's actually any more exciting than what I did at home, but everyone seems to think it is. I'd actually say it's less exciting. The idea is just to stay connected.
Let's take today, for example. I had big ambitions of going to the gym and jogging. Instead, I got up, played on the computer, and then decided to take a nap. Just after my nap, a French friend of an American friend who lives in Austin called and asked if I wanted to meet for coffee, so I did. Then I came home, ate dinner, and met another friend for drinks. That's it. The whole day: sleep, eat, computer, drinks with friends. It was a great day!
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Late Breaking Resolution...
I kind of forgot something. It was included in my resolutions but not clearly stated. I was reading someone else's blog, and read this paragraph, which is what reminded me:
"When I reflect over this year, I realize that I intended to write a book, I intended to build my brand and visibility within the business world, I intended to launch a social networking campaign that would expand my national community... however, I don't know that I ever intended to experience Joy, Love, Freedom, Hope, Peace."
So, let's add a resultion to experience those last 5 things too. That's really the goal in life, in my opinion.
In related news, I want a Guru. I've been reading Eat Pray Love, and it talks about finding a Guru. The book is really good, though it kind of makes me feel like I might need to go spend several months in an Ashram in India too. Uh oh. That's kind of scary for me. I've always been afraid that I would end up a crystal-carrying hippy. For a moment after Breakthrough I put down that fear because I realized it was kind of stupid. Why would I sacrifice any kind of happiness for fear of what others might think? Why would I be so afraid of my life looking different than anything I could imagine? It currently looks different than I would have expected, and I'm fine with that. What if that were my destiny? I'm going to keep working on letting go of my preconceived notions of how things should be. After all, as my blog title says, the possibilities are endless...
"When I reflect over this year, I realize that I intended to write a book, I intended to build my brand and visibility within the business world, I intended to launch a social networking campaign that would expand my national community... however, I don't know that I ever intended to experience Joy, Love, Freedom, Hope, Peace."
So, let's add a resultion to experience those last 5 things too. That's really the goal in life, in my opinion.
In related news, I want a Guru. I've been reading Eat Pray Love, and it talks about finding a Guru. The book is really good, though it kind of makes me feel like I might need to go spend several months in an Ashram in India too. Uh oh. That's kind of scary for me. I've always been afraid that I would end up a crystal-carrying hippy. For a moment after Breakthrough I put down that fear because I realized it was kind of stupid. Why would I sacrifice any kind of happiness for fear of what others might think? Why would I be so afraid of my life looking different than anything I could imagine? It currently looks different than I would have expected, and I'm fine with that. What if that were my destiny? I'm going to keep working on letting go of my preconceived notions of how things should be. After all, as my blog title says, the possibilities are endless...
New Year's Resolutions
Ok, I need to get serious again. I not only love order and rules, I need them. Without them, I spend all my time on the computer, get lazy, and eat everything I can get my hands on. So, in a never-ending effort for continual self-improvement, I'm making resolutions this year. I'm doing it publicly, so perhaps that will help me to be held accountable.
Before getting to that, however, I want to say that I had a great trip home. I enjoyed seeing everyone and getting to be there for my mom's wedding. I do have to admit that I went into sensory overload on a pretty regular basis, but it was still wonderful to get to spend some time with friends.
That being said, I was super happy to be back in Rennes. It really feels more like home to me right now, and as much as I hate my thin, plastic mattress that makes me sweat in my sleep, I was even thrilled to be reunited with it because that meant sleeping in my own bed. Other than sleeping too much and not getting enough done, it has been a lovely couple days back, especially last night and today.
For New Year's Eve, my friends Mia and Nako came over, and we ate lots of appetizer-type foods for dinner. Of course we got some wine and enjoyed my mom's cookies for dessert. My friend Aba stopped by and witnessed (but barely participated in) our mini dance party. Generally anytime Nako and I are together, there's going to be dancing. We then went downtown and saw an awesome fireworks display that was accompanied by acrobatic performances (hard to explain without making this MUCH longer than it already is), music, and fireballs. It was very artistic and cool. I took a video but can't figure out how to upload it. We then walked around for a bit and went to a party at a friend of a friend's house, where more drinking and dancing ensued. My old ass made it back home at about 5:30 in the morning and into bed at 7. Jetlag actually helped out for keeping me awake.
Today I got up late, lazed around for awhile, and then went for a walk (part of the resolutions). While out, I just happened to come across a really awesome light show at the same place where we spent New Year's Eve. It was so beautiful, it made me cry a little bit. I remember when I would have laughed at someone for that. The Ice Queen is no longer.
One final word on last night. I enjoyed walking around downtown while drinking champagne straight from the bottle. Coming from a city that does not allow for this kind of thing, I had no idea how much I liked it. Drinking in the streets on an occasion like New Year's Eve is a lot of fun.
Ok, the resolutions.
1. I will be good to myself. This includes several things:
a.) I'm quitting smoking for the final time. I have quit a million times, but really, enough is enough...ça suffit...basta! It's 2010...I'm 30...It's not healthy....Cigarettes cost over $8 a pack here...there are a thousand reasons to be truly done with this. I made it 4 months on my best attempt, so that shows me that I'm capable of living life without cigarettes. Just f-ing do it!
b.) I'm back on the diet wagon again. I thought I was going to be brave enough to post my weight, but I'm just not today. Anyway, let's just say that I have 45-50 pounds to lose and weigh more now than I have in about 6 years. Yikes. I am vowing to lose those pounds by this time next year. Feel free to call me on that.
c.) I'm also getting back on the exercise wagon. For now, that just means a few push-ups and sit-ups every day, more walking, and a little jogging, as long as the knee holds up. Without boot camp, my motivation went down the toilet. But I feel weak and have less energy and stamina and yackity schmackity. Anywho, for now, I'll start with baby steps.
d.)I'm getting back on the happy train. I fell off Cloud 9 a little lately, but as I told someone recently, I really do believe that happiness is always a decision away. So, I'll remember what I learned in Breakthrough and read in the Power of Now and the Four Agreements. I'll keep working on happiness...I was going to say looking for it, but it isn't lost. It's always there.
2. I will be good to others- with all that taking care of myself, it's important for me to remember to give to others as well. Giving can mean a lot of things, but I sometimes find myself afraid to do it. Lately, I've preferred being alone in my room and have, at times, deliberately avoided talking to people. That's not good and not the person I want to be. So, if there's anything I can do for you, let me know, and if you see me acting in a non-giving way, please feel free to call me on that too.
3. I will do more things that I'm afraid of. The current list includes:
a.) I will turn in my CAF paperwork (for housing aid, but I have to write a letter in French, and that makes me nervous).
b.) I'll say what I'm thinking more often even if I risk looking stupid or having someone think I'm weird. I tried it out last night, actually. One of the friends of a friend was this women that was perhaps the most beautiful women I'd ever seen, not TV beautiful, but sweet, glowing beautiful. Ok, fine, I kind of pussed out and semi-awkwardly just told her that she was very pretty, but it was a start. And, really, telling someone you've just met that you think she's the most beautiful women you've ever laid eyes on really has potential to make someone feel uncomfortable rather than flattered :)
c.) I'll talk more to strangers. This one is sometimes hard for me in the US if the stranger doesn't initiate the conversation and is especially hard in French. I still find myself to be kind of awkward in French. I often just don't know what to say. This leads me to sometimes avoid conversations with people that I know but not that well, and that's really not good. I think I should talk more to handsome strangers, too. There are a lot of them around, and I never speak to them, even when I want to.
d.) I'll apply for jobs, both part-time for now and full-time for after school. It needs to happen. I want to be able to eat in the Spring (though starvation is a great way ot lose weight) and stay in France after this school year.
e.) Fine, if you're still reading this, I'll tell you my weight because I'm afraid of it and saying it means working on one of my resolutions: 207 lbs. Ouch.
f.) I'll just write my stupid papers instead of worrying about them. Between the fact that I've just put my weight in a public place and the knowledge that after finishing this, I have to get to work, I could hyperventilate. Ooooohhhhhhh, breath through the fear!!!
Before getting to that, however, I want to say that I had a great trip home. I enjoyed seeing everyone and getting to be there for my mom's wedding. I do have to admit that I went into sensory overload on a pretty regular basis, but it was still wonderful to get to spend some time with friends.
That being said, I was super happy to be back in Rennes. It really feels more like home to me right now, and as much as I hate my thin, plastic mattress that makes me sweat in my sleep, I was even thrilled to be reunited with it because that meant sleeping in my own bed. Other than sleeping too much and not getting enough done, it has been a lovely couple days back, especially last night and today.
For New Year's Eve, my friends Mia and Nako came over, and we ate lots of appetizer-type foods for dinner. Of course we got some wine and enjoyed my mom's cookies for dessert. My friend Aba stopped by and witnessed (but barely participated in) our mini dance party. Generally anytime Nako and I are together, there's going to be dancing. We then went downtown and saw an awesome fireworks display that was accompanied by acrobatic performances (hard to explain without making this MUCH longer than it already is), music, and fireballs. It was very artistic and cool. I took a video but can't figure out how to upload it. We then walked around for a bit and went to a party at a friend of a friend's house, where more drinking and dancing ensued. My old ass made it back home at about 5:30 in the morning and into bed at 7. Jetlag actually helped out for keeping me awake.
Today I got up late, lazed around for awhile, and then went for a walk (part of the resolutions). While out, I just happened to come across a really awesome light show at the same place where we spent New Year's Eve. It was so beautiful, it made me cry a little bit. I remember when I would have laughed at someone for that. The Ice Queen is no longer.
One final word on last night. I enjoyed walking around downtown while drinking champagne straight from the bottle. Coming from a city that does not allow for this kind of thing, I had no idea how much I liked it. Drinking in the streets on an occasion like New Year's Eve is a lot of fun.
Ok, the resolutions.
1. I will be good to myself. This includes several things:
a.) I'm quitting smoking for the final time. I have quit a million times, but really, enough is enough...ça suffit...basta! It's 2010...I'm 30...It's not healthy....Cigarettes cost over $8 a pack here...there are a thousand reasons to be truly done with this. I made it 4 months on my best attempt, so that shows me that I'm capable of living life without cigarettes. Just f-ing do it!
b.) I'm back on the diet wagon again. I thought I was going to be brave enough to post my weight, but I'm just not today. Anyway, let's just say that I have 45-50 pounds to lose and weigh more now than I have in about 6 years. Yikes. I am vowing to lose those pounds by this time next year. Feel free to call me on that.
c.) I'm also getting back on the exercise wagon. For now, that just means a few push-ups and sit-ups every day, more walking, and a little jogging, as long as the knee holds up. Without boot camp, my motivation went down the toilet. But I feel weak and have less energy and stamina and yackity schmackity. Anywho, for now, I'll start with baby steps.
d.)I'm getting back on the happy train. I fell off Cloud 9 a little lately, but as I told someone recently, I really do believe that happiness is always a decision away. So, I'll remember what I learned in Breakthrough and read in the Power of Now and the Four Agreements. I'll keep working on happiness...I was going to say looking for it, but it isn't lost. It's always there.
2. I will be good to others- with all that taking care of myself, it's important for me to remember to give to others as well. Giving can mean a lot of things, but I sometimes find myself afraid to do it. Lately, I've preferred being alone in my room and have, at times, deliberately avoided talking to people. That's not good and not the person I want to be. So, if there's anything I can do for you, let me know, and if you see me acting in a non-giving way, please feel free to call me on that too.
3. I will do more things that I'm afraid of. The current list includes:
a.) I will turn in my CAF paperwork (for housing aid, but I have to write a letter in French, and that makes me nervous).
b.) I'll say what I'm thinking more often even if I risk looking stupid or having someone think I'm weird. I tried it out last night, actually. One of the friends of a friend was this women that was perhaps the most beautiful women I'd ever seen, not TV beautiful, but sweet, glowing beautiful. Ok, fine, I kind of pussed out and semi-awkwardly just told her that she was very pretty, but it was a start. And, really, telling someone you've just met that you think she's the most beautiful women you've ever laid eyes on really has potential to make someone feel uncomfortable rather than flattered :)
c.) I'll talk more to strangers. This one is sometimes hard for me in the US if the stranger doesn't initiate the conversation and is especially hard in French. I still find myself to be kind of awkward in French. I often just don't know what to say. This leads me to sometimes avoid conversations with people that I know but not that well, and that's really not good. I think I should talk more to handsome strangers, too. There are a lot of them around, and I never speak to them, even when I want to.
d.) I'll apply for jobs, both part-time for now and full-time for after school. It needs to happen. I want to be able to eat in the Spring (though starvation is a great way ot lose weight) and stay in France after this school year.
e.) Fine, if you're still reading this, I'll tell you my weight because I'm afraid of it and saying it means working on one of my resolutions: 207 lbs. Ouch.
f.) I'll just write my stupid papers instead of worrying about them. Between the fact that I've just put my weight in a public place and the knowledge that after finishing this, I have to get to work, I could hyperventilate. Ooooohhhhhhh, breath through the fear!!!
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