New Year's Resolutions

Ok, I need to get serious again. I not only love order and rules, I need them. Without them, I spend all my time on the computer, get lazy, and eat everything I can get my hands on. So, in a never-ending effort for continual self-improvement, I'm making resolutions this year. I'm doing it publicly, so perhaps that will help me to be held accountable.

Before getting to that, however, I want to say that I had a great trip home. I enjoyed seeing everyone and getting to be there for my mom's wedding. I do have to admit that I went into sensory overload on a pretty regular basis, but it was still wonderful to get to spend some time with friends.

That being said, I was super happy to be back in Rennes. It really feels more like home to me right now, and as much as I hate my thin, plastic mattress that makes me sweat in my sleep, I was even thrilled to be reunited with it because that meant sleeping in my own bed. Other than sleeping too much and not getting enough done, it has been a lovely couple days back, especially last night and today.

For New Year's Eve, my friends Mia and Nako came over, and we ate lots of appetizer-type foods for dinner. Of course we got some wine and enjoyed my mom's cookies for dessert. My friend Aba stopped by and witnessed (but barely participated in) our mini dance party. Generally anytime Nako and I are together, there's going to be dancing. We then went downtown and saw an awesome fireworks display that was accompanied by acrobatic performances (hard to explain without making this MUCH longer than it already is), music, and fireballs. It was very artistic and cool. I took a video but can't figure out how to upload it. We then walked around for a bit and went to a party at a friend of a friend's house, where more drinking and dancing ensued. My old ass made it back home at about 5:30 in the morning and into bed at 7. Jetlag actually helped out for keeping me awake.

Today I got up late, lazed around for awhile, and then went for a walk (part of the resolutions). While out, I just happened to come across a really awesome light show at the same place where we spent New Year's Eve. It was so beautiful, it made me cry a little bit. I remember when I would have laughed at someone for that. The Ice Queen is no longer.

One final word on last night. I enjoyed walking around downtown while drinking champagne straight from the bottle. Coming from a city that does not allow for this kind of thing, I had no idea how much I liked it. Drinking in the streets on an occasion like New Year's Eve is a lot of fun.

Ok, the resolutions.

1. I will be good to myself. This includes several things:
a.) I'm quitting smoking for the final time. I have quit a million times, but really, enough is enough...ça suffit...basta! It's 2010...I'm 30...It's not healthy....Cigarettes cost over $8 a pack here...there are a thousand reasons to be truly done with this. I made it 4 months on my best attempt, so that shows me that I'm capable of living life without cigarettes. Just f-ing do it!
b.) I'm back on the diet wagon again. I thought I was going to be brave enough to post my weight, but I'm just not today. Anyway, let's just say that I have 45-50 pounds to lose and weigh more now than I have in about 6 years. Yikes. I am vowing to lose those pounds by this time next year. Feel free to call me on that.
c.) I'm also getting back on the exercise wagon. For now, that just means a few push-ups and sit-ups every day, more walking, and a little jogging, as long as the knee holds up. Without boot camp, my motivation went down the toilet. But I feel weak and have less energy and stamina and yackity schmackity. Anywho, for now, I'll start with baby steps.
d.)I'm getting back on the happy train. I fell off Cloud 9 a little lately, but as I told someone recently, I really do believe that happiness is always a decision away. So, I'll remember what I learned in Breakthrough and read in the Power of Now and the Four Agreements. I'll keep working on happiness...I was going to say looking for it, but it isn't lost. It's always there.

2. I will be good to others- with all that taking care of myself, it's important for me to remember to give to others as well. Giving can mean a lot of things, but I sometimes find myself afraid to do it. Lately, I've preferred being alone in my room and have, at times, deliberately avoided talking to people. That's not good and not the person I want to be. So, if there's anything I can do for you, let me know, and if you see me acting in a non-giving way, please feel free to call me on that too.

3. I will do more things that I'm afraid of. The current list includes:
a.) I will turn in my CAF paperwork (for housing aid, but I have to write a letter in French, and that makes me nervous).
b.) I'll say what I'm thinking more often even if I risk looking stupid or having someone think I'm weird. I tried it out last night, actually. One of the friends of a friend was this women that was perhaps the most beautiful women I'd ever seen, not TV beautiful, but sweet, glowing beautiful. Ok, fine, I kind of pussed out and semi-awkwardly just told her that she was very pretty, but it was a start. And, really, telling someone you've just met that you think she's the most beautiful women you've ever laid eyes on really has potential to make someone feel uncomfortable rather than flattered :)
c.) I'll talk more to strangers. This one is sometimes hard for me in the US if the stranger doesn't initiate the conversation and is especially hard in French. I still find myself to be kind of awkward in French. I often just don't know what to say. This leads me to sometimes avoid conversations with people that I know but not that well, and that's really not good. I think I should talk more to handsome strangers, too. There are a lot of them around, and I never speak to them, even when I want to.
d.) I'll apply for jobs, both part-time for now and full-time for after school. It needs to happen. I want to be able to eat in the Spring (though starvation is a great way ot lose weight) and stay in France after this school year.
e.) Fine, if you're still reading this, I'll tell you my weight because I'm afraid of it and saying it means working on one of my resolutions: 207 lbs. Ouch.
f.) I'll just write my stupid papers instead of worrying about them. Between the fact that I've just put my weight in a public place and the knowledge that after finishing this, I have to get to work, I could hyperventilate. Ooooohhhhhhh, breath through the fear!!!