More positivity

Plus, this talks about my life in France instead of just my life in my head ;) This is copied and pasted directly from an e-mail I wrote to my brother yesterday:

I'm with enjoying the unseasonably warm weather (which for here is upper 60's and low 70's- we hit 77 yesterday, which is slightly above the average high temperature in the summer). I've adjusted to the cooler temperatures, so anything above 65 and sunny, and I'm fine to be in short sleeves in the sun. Lows are usually in the upper 30's and low 40's, so a sweater and jacket is still necessary at night. The days are getting longer, and now it doesn't get truly dark until around 10, though the official sunset time is probably around 9:15-9:30. The longest day of the year, there will be over 16 hours from official sunset to sunrise with 17.5 hours of visible light. It's a real trip. My sense of time is totally thrown off. The flip side of that is that we get REALLY short days in the winter. Flowers are in bloom, and there's one (that I don't know the name of) that is everywhere and smells lovely. The upside of a kind of miserable winter is an even bigger appreciation for a lovely spring. People are having drinks on patios everywhere. People are going for walks and having picnics and lying around on the grass, soaking up the sun. One of the things I like about France is a continued connection with the rhythm of life that we seem to have less in the US. You change your habits with the season. Lots of people say things like, "I eat less in the summer. It's so hot, you just want to eat a salad or something light and fresh." Really? We don't say things like that. For Texans, there's never a bad time for enchiladas or queso! They're less likely to eat (and sometimes can't even find) fruits and vegetables when they're not in season. People go out and talk to each other and sit in cafés. Julie and her friends are 23-25, but some of what they do reminds me of what mom experienced in San Antonio or you at St. Stephen's...I somehow missed out on it. They see each other regularly. Even in high school, they got together and did stuff, took trips. They were a group of 20ish and were always together. It's totally common and not really taboo for people to drink in high school here, so they did a lot of that too. They have a bond that fascinates me. So, that is the positive news from France.

Oh, that's much better!

I just snapped out of my funk, which started creeping in a while ago but really took off after my bad interview last week. Thanks to my friend Darcy (who often acts as my guardian angel, even when she's not trying), I figured out what was bothering me. I told her I was in a funk, and all she asked was what conversations were going on in my head.

The answer came back instantly and loudly, "I can't!" It was followed by , "I'm afraid," and "out of control," but those I already knew and weren't really at the root of the problem. If I truly believe that the Universe is out to provide me with all that I need, then what was I afraid of? That I couldn't or wouldn't do what was necessary. I was slightly frozen with fear that maybe I would just sit here and do nothing. So, it was not really getting this particular job that was upsetting me or cheating on my smoking or overeating but rather fear that maybe I wouldn't do anything about it. What I realized this afternoon is that despite my occasional behavior that suggests otherwise, I am a woman of action! Sometimes it takes me a while to get fed up enough, but I will not sit around in misery and do nothing. I will do something, damn it! I clearly have the worst balance ever because I fall down a lot on the path of life, but thus far, I keep getting back up and dusting myself off. So, I say this as a reminder to myself so that the time I take to get up after my next tumble might be a little shorter: Love, hope, and possibility are infinite. I can! I will! I shall!

On that note, I'm off to the gym!

Ups and Downs

The stress of not knowing about my future has been getting to me again. I actually cried about it a little today, though I was chatting with one of my friends, Nasser, who helped remind me to stay positive.

I love Nasser! It seems like one way or another we're going to get to see each other in the next 8 months or so, which is exciting. For anyone reading this who doesn't know, Nasser was my language assistant when I took an Arabic class. He was just in Austin for one year and then moved back to Oman to be with his wife and daughter. If I stay in France, I'll go see him in Oman the first chance I get. If I don't, it sounds like he might visit me and another friend in Austin in January. Hooray!

So, like I said, I felt better pretty quickly, but it's more than just the job. I feel like I'm in limbo all around. I don't feel like I'm taking action in lots of areas in my life, and I feel kind of frozen with fear and laziness, which then leads me to feel guilty. I'm afraid. There, I said it. I know that everything will be ok, but sometimes the fear wins out. I'm hoping this passes pretty quickly because I hate feeling this way, just uncomfortable in my own skin and all around.

I had an interesting evening with my volunteer work last night. We met a guy I'd never seen before; he's only been in Rennes for about 2 weeks. He talked about his life before: his time spent in rehab, his previous jobs, his schooling- he has a degree that could get him good work. He was clearly smart, very talkative, and good looking with beautiful teeth, like he probably had braces at some point in his life. It makes you wonder where things went wrong. I know that stuff isn't as expensive here as in the US, so maybe he didn't come from a rich family, but somebody cared enough to take him to the orthodontist. And he finished a degree and had worked and talked about wanting an apartment again, yet there he was in the street, drinking beer and panhandling.

We learned that one of the people we saw somewhat regularly committed suicide last week. He'd tried several times before, so it wasn't especially shocking but still sad, especially for another girl who volunteers because she'd talked to him a lot. I think she's going to go to his funeral tomorrow. I only saw him 3 times, but he was always smiling, even while talking about one of his previous attempts at suicide.

Then we saw another one of our "regulars." He is also super smart and articulate. He has a little area set up in a corner near the entrance of a shopping center. He said he's been there for about a year. He spends a lot of his time reading and people come by to talk to him. He's made friends just by always being in that corner. He doesn't drink, but he smokes an incredible amount of hash. He's only 23, but apparently was abandoned by his parents at 14 and has been homeless then not homeless 4 times already. He's really negative and has given up hope. He has said it- the fear of getting a job and an apartment then losing it again is too much for him, so he prefers to do nothing. It's too bad because all I can see in him is potential.

That's the case for lots of the people we see. Some of them are too far gone or have true mental problems, and you can't have real conversations with them. Some of them you look forward to hanging out with. Yet there's a sad side to it, knowing that a lot of them won't get out. The man who is 58 and has been homeless for years and drinks who knows how many bottles of pink wine a day and now has a problem with his leg and hardly moves...how much time does he really have left? Will the 23 year old end up killing himself too? Spending his life in the street? I'd like to believe that one day something will snap, and he'll get up again and fight. We'll see.

Que sera, sera

I'm trying to stay calm and positive. I really believe that everything will work out as it should, so I'm having faith in that.

That being said, I don't feel like my interview went so well. It only lasted 10 minutes, and I didn't have a good answer for my 5 year plan and don't feel like I conveyed well why I wanted the job. I had understood in the last interview that only the person chosen for the job would meet with the dean of the school, but I think I was mistaken. It sounded like he was meeting with several people. We'll see.

Furthermore, the random man I thought might be my spiritual guru told me he was in love me yesterday, which doesn't make me happy at all. Then he got all moody and upset because I didn't want to cancel my plans this weekend to spend more time with him. Today he left a message saying he was morally obligated to tell me that I was in love with my brother. Jesus Christ!

A few thoughts. First, let me describe the scene from yesterday. I met Christophe (formerly known as my spiritual guru) for coffee, and he gave me a post card with the lyrics of Bryan Adams' I Do it For You. In my head, all I could think was, "Oh shit!" I told him that nothing had changed for me since our first meeting and that I wanted to be clear that I was only looking for a friendship. We then went to an organization that's called "Si on se parlait," which translates to "If we talked to each other." I know what I'm about to say is wrong, but here I go: I felt like I was on the Island of Misfit Toys. I'd been wondering where the obese and handicapped people in France were hiding, and I found them. And something about not fitting in in a culture that is big into not going too far outside the box has made them a little weird. There was even a little Asian man who was balding but had long hair and was missing teeth, and he bowed at people. Actually, some of them seemed very nice, but between two of them having a screaming match and Christophe singing I Do it For You to me in front of everyone, I felt a little uncomfortable. Really, I can't explain it exactly, but I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone.

Second thought, I'm going to have to develop new tactics for talking to strangers in France. The percentage of strange people to normal people is growing. It's not a culture where you talk to strangers, so I really need to keep that in mind. It is one of my favorite activities, so I doubt I'll stop all together, but I may reconsider giving out my phone number.

Third thought, I don't regret any of it. I learned a few things from Christophe. He sent me a message when I needed it about remembering that the Universe was out to help me. I've also learned that sometimes it's ok to just cut people off. I tend to want to give people lots of chances because I believe people are inherently good and have something to offer and teach me. I still believe that, but again, that does not necessarily mean that I need to be friends will all of them. So, tonight, when my cell phone minutes are free, I will call him and tell him that I don't want to continue this relationship as friends or otherwise.

Fourth thought, the whole thing is pretty damn funny. As I listened to his message again and wrote this blog, I laughed out loud. Good grief! The situations I get myself into. That is what life is all about, though...laughing and learning.

Quick Blog

Okay, so a few quick things:

-I'm sick. It's just a cold, but still, boo!

-I had fun with Jesse here last week. We did a ton of stuff and ate a ton of food. I was happy to get to show him my new life here. Hopefully he won't get stuck in Paris with the volcanic ash cloud.

-My new life here may end up lasting a bit longer. I have a 3rd interview on Thursday, and if I understood correctly in my last interview, unless I make a bad impression, it means I got the job. I'll update everyone as soon as I know for sure.

-I ran into the man that I thought might be my spiritual guru on Sunday while walking Jesse to the train station. I almost thought he might be hitting on me, which would not be ok at all. We'll see.

-I have a new book that goes along with my newly found hippie side. It's called Pronoia is the Antidote for Paranoia by Rob Brezny. Here is one of the first things written in the book. I'm trying to make it my new mantra and my prayer for the world:

All of creation is conspiring to shower us with blessings. Life is crazily in love with us- brazenly and innocently in love with us. The universe always gives us exactly what we need, exactly when we need it. The winds and the tides are on our side, forever and ever, amen. The fire and the rain are scheming to steal our impossible pain. The sun and the moon and the stars remember our real names, and our ancestors pray for us while we're dreaming. We have guardian angels and thousands of teachers, provacateurs with designs to unleash us, helpers and saviors we can't even imagine, brothers and sisters who want us to blossom. Thanks to them, from whom the blissful blessings flow, we are waking up.

Somebody get me my crystals...

So, talking to strangers has really become one of my favorite hobbies in France. I do it a lot. Many times alcohol is involved; many times it isn't. Pretty much any time you leave me alone for 5 minutes, I'm going to have a conversation with someone. I've met a lot of people, some I've liked more than others. They have been mostly men, this is France after all, but very few of them were men I was actually interested in. Though many of my encounters have been brief, I really felt a connection with a few of them, particularly Vincent, François (whose brother is a monk), and Christophe...which brings me to my need for crystals.

I met Christophe on Thursday while I was visiting one of the homeless people I met doing my volunteer work. Christophe just came and sat down with us. After discussing for a while, he invited me to have a coffee with him. He didn't have enough money on him, so instead of coffee he just walked me to my next stop, the grocery store, and we exchanged numbers. He said he would help me look for a job, and sure enough, he left a message Thursday night to ask for my e-mail address to send me the link to a couple job postings. I didn't call back until today, and in addition to sending me the websites, he invited me to go have a coffee.

I just want to add a couple things before going on. First, he told me right away he wasn't trying to hit on me, which reassured me. He's perhaps a little old for me, and I wasn't interested in that way at all. Part of what made me feel comfortable around him was that he looks a lot like Steve Ulrich, my dad's best friend. I think he may be similar in personality too, and that makes me happy.

So, crystal-carrying hippie...Christophe talked a lot about energy and colors of energy and similar energies, and I LOVE that kind of thing. Just ate it all up! You know, I'm still half waiting to end up in an Ashram somewhere or on some sort of commune. And I don't know if I've said it publicly or not, but I think I'm destined to some day change the world, to make it a better place to live. I don't know if it'll be in a big way or a small way or when, but it will happen. Anywho, Christophe reminded me of a few very important things:

-Have faith that the Universe is out to give you the best of what life has to offer

-Ask the Universe for what you need rather than what you want. Sometimes the results you get are bigger than what you could have imagined.

-Believe you are worth all amounts of wonderfulness and success.

-Don't be afraid.

-Just be/go with the flow/"surf" as he said.

He also said I had the same energy as Johnny Hallyday in a different manifestation, which is really kind of funny if you know who Johnny Hallyday is. Anyway, after all of that, I sat in the kitchen with a friend from the dorm, and we were saying we wanted chocolate and to do something but couldn't figure out what and didn't want to move. Then, another guy from the dorm came in, and we started talking. We all decided to have tea in her room, and the guy brought chocolate plus we spent the rest of the evening hanging out and asking Trivial Pursuit questions. The Universe brought us everything we wanted. I'm a believer :)

Updates

So, we're just past a quarter of the way through the year, so I thought I'd give updates on my resolutions. Not that anyone cares so much, but why not. This is my blog after all. I have lost 14 pounds as of Monday morning, though that fluctuates quite a bit. Usually it's closer to 10, but I'm trying to get more serious again.

I have smoked twice in the last 2 weeks, and I just cannot let that happen. My addict brain tells me that I should smoke a pack before really committing again, but I'm not listening to it. It's too hard to quit. I can't keep doing it over and over again.

I haven't been to the gym as much as I'd like, but I definitely am going more than before New Year's and am making an effort to walk more. Sometimes I just go for long walks by myself for fun.

I've been doing several of the things on my "fear" list but not all. Specifically, I haven't been looking for a job. I haven't gone out of my way to talk to strangers, but they've really started talking to me a lot, so I guess that kind of counts :) I still feel like I'm not doing lots of things that scare me, again, specifically with the job. I just kind of feel like it's going to fall into my lap. Hopefully that won't backfire. We'll see.

As for giving to others, I don't know. I think I'm doing ok. Again, I always could do more. It's good for me to go back and read the resolutions to be reminded of who I want to be. It at least keeps it present in my mind.

I'm back on the happy wagon. Really, considering how much uncertainty is in my life, I'm staying pretty calm. I feel good. Life is good. I feel eternally grateful to be surrounded by wonderful people and wonderful things. I love my life here, especially Julie and her friends. They're good people. They contribute to me living as if I were 21, but hey, it's fun.

Outside of the resolutions, not much to report. Jesse will be here in less than a week!! Hooray! I called the HR director today, and she said the woman who would be my future boss had my file and was supposed to call me for a second interview. Apparently she's out of town right now, so I should expect a call at the end of this week or beginning of next. That's good news, but it still leaves me in limbo. It's not a yes; it's not a no. On verra!

Oh, I want to tell the crab story. So, my friend Julien (who is the boyfriend of one of Julie's friends from high school. He is one of my favorites. I think he'd fit in will with the Nick hippie crowd) had been to the market and then went to a café where I ran into him. He left with a friend, and I stayed with another friend of mine. I got a message as I was leaving saying he'd left his dead crab he bought at the market by the table and asked me to get it for him. So, of course I did, but then I had to wait 15 minutes in a crowded area holding a dead crab. Unfortunately, its shell was kind of spiny, so I had to hold it palm up with its legs splayed out everywhere. The looks I got from people were amazing. At least 4 of them even made remarks about it. One asked if he could have a leg. One said it was weird to have a dead crab as a pet. It was pretty funny. I'm sure I looked even crazier as I laughed out loud to myself, holding my dead crab, standing alone. Hahaha