Ups and Downs

The stress of not knowing about my future has been getting to me again. I actually cried about it a little today, though I was chatting with one of my friends, Nasser, who helped remind me to stay positive.

I love Nasser! It seems like one way or another we're going to get to see each other in the next 8 months or so, which is exciting. For anyone reading this who doesn't know, Nasser was my language assistant when I took an Arabic class. He was just in Austin for one year and then moved back to Oman to be with his wife and daughter. If I stay in France, I'll go see him in Oman the first chance I get. If I don't, it sounds like he might visit me and another friend in Austin in January. Hooray!

So, like I said, I felt better pretty quickly, but it's more than just the job. I feel like I'm in limbo all around. I don't feel like I'm taking action in lots of areas in my life, and I feel kind of frozen with fear and laziness, which then leads me to feel guilty. I'm afraid. There, I said it. I know that everything will be ok, but sometimes the fear wins out. I'm hoping this passes pretty quickly because I hate feeling this way, just uncomfortable in my own skin and all around.

I had an interesting evening with my volunteer work last night. We met a guy I'd never seen before; he's only been in Rennes for about 2 weeks. He talked about his life before: his time spent in rehab, his previous jobs, his schooling- he has a degree that could get him good work. He was clearly smart, very talkative, and good looking with beautiful teeth, like he probably had braces at some point in his life. It makes you wonder where things went wrong. I know that stuff isn't as expensive here as in the US, so maybe he didn't come from a rich family, but somebody cared enough to take him to the orthodontist. And he finished a degree and had worked and talked about wanting an apartment again, yet there he was in the street, drinking beer and panhandling.

We learned that one of the people we saw somewhat regularly committed suicide last week. He'd tried several times before, so it wasn't especially shocking but still sad, especially for another girl who volunteers because she'd talked to him a lot. I think she's going to go to his funeral tomorrow. I only saw him 3 times, but he was always smiling, even while talking about one of his previous attempts at suicide.

Then we saw another one of our "regulars." He is also super smart and articulate. He has a little area set up in a corner near the entrance of a shopping center. He said he's been there for about a year. He spends a lot of his time reading and people come by to talk to him. He's made friends just by always being in that corner. He doesn't drink, but he smokes an incredible amount of hash. He's only 23, but apparently was abandoned by his parents at 14 and has been homeless then not homeless 4 times already. He's really negative and has given up hope. He has said it- the fear of getting a job and an apartment then losing it again is too much for him, so he prefers to do nothing. It's too bad because all I can see in him is potential.

That's the case for lots of the people we see. Some of them are too far gone or have true mental problems, and you can't have real conversations with them. Some of them you look forward to hanging out with. Yet there's a sad side to it, knowing that a lot of them won't get out. The man who is 58 and has been homeless for years and drinks who knows how many bottles of pink wine a day and now has a problem with his leg and hardly moves...how much time does he really have left? Will the 23 year old end up killing himself too? Spending his life in the street? I'd like to believe that one day something will snap, and he'll get up again and fight. We'll see.